The Ostentatious Opening
by Steven Dalton
Summary: Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice Baudelaire have left the safety of the island they called home for a year and now immerse themselves in the wicked world once more for another series of unfortunate events involving new charcters as well.
1. Dear Reader, Book the First

**_Another Series Of Unfortunate Events_**

**_Book, the First_**

**_The Ostentatious Opening_**

_****__For my Beloved Beatrice, our love was like an eternal flame; as was the one that took you from me_

_Dear Reader,_

_The phrase, "second time around" commonly refers to the practice of trying again at something you have failed to accomplish during the first try, such as riding a bike or harvesting tomatoes. In this life however, there are many activities in which we get but one opportunity, should we fail we cannot be given a second chance. These include bungee jumping, concocting rare anti venom, cooking a world-renowned soup dish and falling in love._

_For the Baudelaires, I'm sad to say; their second chance turned out just as miserably as the first. So if you were hoping for a happy ending, or perhaps even a marginally bittersweet one; read no further. Instead you will find within the pages of this first volume, among other things: a mysterious identification card, an annoying allergy, an evil twin and shower drapes._

_It is my dismal duty to record these events as they occurred in the Baudelaires' lives and present the facts in chronological order. You however, can attend to much more pleasant activities, such as burning this manuscript or fencing, _

_**With All Due Respect,**_

_**Lemony Snicket**_


	2. One

_**One**_

During our lives, we oftentimes are presented with situations where we get a second chance to set things right. For example, if you had a clock that was off by three minutes; you could simply push a chair against the wall and reset it to the correct time with ease.

However, if you wanted to earn those three minutes back and use them for a much more enjoyable activity, like playing badminton; you will soon find that attempting to do so is impossible.

For once you have spent your time to reset the clock to the correct time, you'll have spent even more time resetting the clock than you originally lost and in the end resetting the clock doesn't seem as important as the injury you incurred from standing on one foot on the chair and thus falling off.

Some people refer to this and many other practices with the expression, "you only go around once," a phrase which here means, "if you have read the first thirteen volumes of A Series Of Unfortunate Events and managed to live thru it without pulling your hair out and sobbing bitterly for years on end and you became convinced that _**The End**_ was the end of the series of unfortunate events in the Baudelaires' lives and not in fact simply a break in the action and that at the end of the end of _**The End**_ you were content to believe they lived happily for the rest of their days and did not in fact experience any more misery whatsoever; read no further."

For despite my best efforts to convince my readers, and myself; I found that my conscience kept beating at me to reveal the remainder of their story. If you did indeed read all thirteen volumes of their previous experience, which I certainly hope you didn't, and you did feel that their lives might take a turn for the better; I am dismayed to report that was not the case.

For if you believed that with the discovery of a nameplate on the boat they had pushed down to the shores of the island the children had come to call home was indeed the turning point in their lives and everything from that point on would be pleasant and enjoyable; then I implore you to go on believing just that and think no further of the Baudelaires and all of the suffering they had yet to endure.

For as this small craft hit the sands of the beach, and the youngest and newest member of the Baudelaire family uttered one word; which was in fact her own name along with the name of the boat and the name of a dearly departed loving parent; this was in fact the beginning of a whole new series of unfortunate events which would plague them for countless decades to come.

If the children had simply chosen to remain on that island and venture nowhere but into their own imaginations; I could speculate that their lives remained very pleasant indeed. But since that is not the case, and Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice approached the small boat and investigated it and their lives were once again turned upside-down; we will never know precisely what would've happened had they chosen to stay.

"Your first word!" Violet exclaimed as she picked up the toddler and embraced her.

"Eman," the baby Baudelaire replied, for much like Sunny had at one point; the young Beatrice could only speak in unintelligible garble so it was impossible to understand what she meant; unless Sunny translated.

"She said 'Who's Beatrice?'" the former toddler explained. The three elder Baudelaires exchanged a glance and then Violet explained, "Well, she was someone very important to all of us. And when you're older you will find out all about her."

"Danka," Beatrice answered which probably meant, "I hope so, because that's my name too and I want to know who this person is that has the same name as me!" or perhaps, "Violet, put me down; the sun is getting in my eyes!"

Meanwhile, Klaus was investigating the small craft and said, "It looks like it'd be sturdy enough to take us away from here." This time it was only the two female Baudelaires who looked at each other in concern and notably so; for during the past year they had come to feel at ease on the island and felt it was their new home.

"Do we really want to leave?" Sunny asked.

"Doesn't seem like there is anything here for us," Violet commented.

"What about the journal?" Klaus wondered.

"We could leave it here for anybody else to find, so they could add to it if they wanted," Sunny decided. "Hey, what's this?" Klaus muttered as he found a small groove behind the nameplate. Within it, he found an envelope with the initials BB on it and he showed to his sister asking, "You don't suppose this could be…?"

"We're not going to open it," she suddenly proclaimed and snatched the letter away from us.

"Hanwn!" Beatrice called out which probably meant something like, "Violet, don't act that way to Klaus!" or maybe, "You still haven't put me down!" Violet allowed the baby to rest on the sandy beach and then explained to her sibling, "We've experienced enough tragedy in our lifetime to last several other lifetimes."

"But Violet, what if this has all of the answers we've been searching for?" Klaus wondered.

"Even if that is the case, maybe it's better off not knowing," she decided.

"I suppose," he conceded, a word that here means "agreed to say that he agreed, but not really" and then placed his hands in his pockets and kicked some sand to indicate his disagreement with his sister's decision, a phrase which here means, "as soon as Klaus got the opportunity he was going to find out what was within that envelope."

"Well, we have everything we need," Sunny declared.

"Then let's go," Violet said and boarded the boat without even looking at the island. Sunny picked up Beatrice again and got onboard as well before adding, "Come on, Klaus." Klaus nodded and pushed the tiny vessel away from the shore and as they drifted with the current and increased the distance from the island; he stared at the nameplate and no doubt thought about the person whose name was engraved on it, all that it meant to him and probably also realized he hadn't had a meal in quite some time.

So as Violet was setting up the sail, he went thru the dishes that his other sister had prepared for the voyage and selected a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

As the wind began to pick up, the four Baudelaire orphans sailed farther and farther away from the island they had known as their home for the past year and closer and closer to the events which would change their lives for the worse once more. The phrase "second time around" in case you haven't read anything in this story up to this point, an action which I heartily encourage; usually refers to the practice of doing something again which you failed at the first time.

For example, if you mistakenly didn't tie your shoe; you could simply lean down and tie it again and thus get a second chance to set things right. In this life however, as you have undoubtedly discovered for yourself; or perhaps have heard about- we get but only one chance.

It is as this point in the story, I suggest you take your one chance to stop reading and go no further. I implore you to leave this book in the dumpster where you probably found it and go back to your ordinary life; believing with your whole heart that things did not in fact turn out badly for the Baudelaires and they made it to the mainland and no more recalled the terrible tragedies that had already taken place in their existences.

For the Baudelaires no doubt believed that this new chapter in their lives would be their second chance, an opportunity to set things right that had once gone wrong and turn their misfortune into mirth.

However, I tell you now that their second go around was just as terrible as the first thirteen volumes you surprisingly endured. You will find nothing but misery and suffering for them if you read one sentence further and so therefore I encourage you not to do so.

For as Klaus finished eating his sandwich, his curiosity got the better of him, a phrase which here means "the oldest Baudelaire reached into Violet's backpack and took out the envelope he had discovered earlier behind the nameplate."

"Klaus!" Sunny exclaimed. Violet looked at him in surprise and said, "I thought we had agreed not to open it."

"Violet, I have to know," he explained.

The two female Baudelaires did not attempt to stop him and as he opened the envelope carefully and found what was inside the middle Baudelaire got a sense of foreboding.

A sense of foreboding is not much like the other five senses we use each and every day although it comes in handy in various situations and can even relate to the other more common ones. It can pertain to something good or bad, depending on the circumstances in which it presents itself.

For example, if you were to smell your mother baking a pie in the kitchen, you would have a sense of foreboding about eating it. Or if you heard a baby crying in its crib; you would have a sense of foreboding about changing the baby's diaper.

In Klaus' case, the sense of foreboding came from what he felt with his hands as they fell out of the envelope and it also came with his eyes as he saw what they were.

And I sadly I must report that this particular sense of foreboding was not good at all. If you read the first thirteen volumes in the Baudelaires' lives; which even the most stalwart of people have found hard to do without going into hysteria for at least a week or so, then you are undoubtedly familiar with all of the mystery and misery that came into their lives.

It was also probably your assumption that these mysteries would never come into their lives again. But as Klaus showed his sisters what was within the envelope that had the initials BB on the front; a new mystery had already begun to unravel.

"What are they?" Sunny wondered.

"They appear to be name badges," Violet commented and then added, "And… they have our names on them." Klaus inspected them as well and found that his sister was correct.

There were three of them altogether, each bearing the name of one of the orphans. But that was not what intrigued the middle Baudelaire the most. Instead was what was on the back of the name badge for with it he realized that all of the mysteries that had plagued them during their previous go around was now about to come back into their lives. For there fancily written was,

"Congratulations Volunteer! Welcome to V.F.D." and below that, "The world is quiet here." and then, "Offer void where prohibited."

The Baudelaires looked at each other and all felt foreboding.


	3. Two

_**Two**_

If you have ever had the opportunity in your life, whether during your first go around or your second; to join a club then you know that doing so can be quite an enjoyable experience.

A club is a group of people who gather together and all have the same views about something, whereas anybody outside that group is considered strange or weird. In this world, there are a variety of clubs that sponsor activities ranging from the Mayonnaise Multipliers Meetings to the Unidentifiable Umbrella Unity to the Xylophone, X-Ray, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X and Y Society.

In these clubs, members are expected to perform tasks relating to whatever the group is involved with.

For example, I was once involved in the Vibrant Vineyard Volunteer group during my youth and would go out and pluck grapes each and every morning and continue doing so on into the evening and then return to the main ponderosa and chat with fellow vineyard workers about the day's most succulent grape and what type of footwear they used in order to pack down the soil.

Then the next day I would rise again and go about the same activity until my feet were sore from stomping all of those grapes. This and many other vineyard activities were related to the group I was in and I was content to continue doing these errands for my fellow members and perhaps would've remained there had I not one day looked up from stomping a large barrel of grapes to see

So joining a club can be a wholesome activity that will provide you with hours and hours of fun until you've had so much you don't want any more and I would heartily encourage you go down and join any club you want in your local area instead of reading this horrible tale about the Baudelaires and their lives.

For the group that was commonly known as V.F.D. to the orphans was anything but wholesome or enjoyable. During their miserable adventures, they had come in contact with many members of the group and most if not all had been entirely unhelpful to them, a word here that means, "some were villains and others were volunteers and oftentimes it was difficult to tell the difference between the two and therefore the Baudelaires couldn't make heads or tails of anything."

In fact, the group known as V.F.D. had caused most if not all of the trouble that had so plagued their lives for countless days and nights. So when Klaus found the three name badges, bearing the crest of V.F.D.; the three orphans all realized that this was not a group that they had planned on joining.

It was only Beatrice, the youngest member of the Baudelaire family; who didn't fully grasp the meaning of V.F.D. and what it meant.

If you have read anything about V.F.D. and the Baudelaires and the many terrible atrocities committed by both, then you would be able to explain with tears in your eyes to this infant the meaning of the abbreviation and the group and of the woman she was named after and how she had died protecting what she believed in.

If you have done the correct thing and not read about any of these terrible events and are not even reading this story right now, then you couldn't possibly even grasp what was going thru the elder Baudelaires' minds or even know what I was writing at this point and time in the story; in which case explaining this to you would be completely useless.

But for the Baudelaires, they knew exactly what V.F.D. meant to them and to Beatrice and this led to the three elder orphans being caught flat-footed; a phrase which here means, "they had no idea why their names were written on the back of the three badges that bore the crest of V.F.D."

"Vi? Klau? Sun?" Beatrice asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Why are our names on here?" Violet asked.

"Who wrote them?" Sunny asked.

"Is this the same V.F.D. that we're familiar with?" Klaus wondered.

"Whose boat was this?" Sunny asked.

"Who put that envelope behind the nameplate?" Klaus muttered.

"Why is that name on it?" Violet wondered and then added, "And those initials?"

"Yada?" Beatrice asked which probably meant, "Are you going to just ask questions?" or perhaps, "Can I also have a peanut butter and banana sandwich, Klaus?"

We'll never really know for sure since Sunny was busy pondering the significance of the name badges along with her siblings, a word which here means, "Didn't want to think about V.F.D. whatsoever and would've preferred for Klaus not to have opened the envelope and now had no idea what to do with the information they'd received."

"We can't worry about this until we get to the mainland," Violet decided.

"I agree," Sunny said.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have opened the envelope; I should've listened to you," Klaus lamented.

"Your curiosity got the better of you," Sunny said with a nod. "Well, we can't do anything about it now," Violet said and then added, "What's done is done."

The expression, "what's done is done" usually refers to an action a person takes that he cannot take back. For example, if you were to go out and find a bag of money that wasn't yours and then found the recipient of that money and gave it back to them and didn't receive a reward for doing so and then got angry and burned down their house; then you could say, "what's done is done."

Or if you went to the store and bought yourself a bouquet of twelve red roses and went to your one true love's house to sing poetry to her and proclaim your undying love for her; only to find that she had instead already fallen head over heels for another and presumed you were dead; then you could say "what's done is done.

" What Violet meant however was, "there's nothing we can do about it now Klaus, and I'm very angry that you didn't listen to me." So what's done is done wasn't actually done and in fact in the previous two instances I mentioned what's done is done was never actually done but what's done is done is done whenever what's done is done is done until you are done.

And then, what's done is done.

The eldest Baudelaire got out a blanket and pulled it over herself as the night set in and she fell asleep. Klaus stayed awake while all of his sisters slept and he handled the steering of the boat and also began to speculate about the name badges he had found, a word which here means, "guessed that they meant something good or bad for the Baudelaires' future and that very soon they would find out all of the answers to the many mysteries that plagued them; but would soon discover that was not true at all."

But as Violet had already explained, what's done is done and Klaus finally fell asleep as well and dreamt about finding his parents alive or that their home was no longer burnt to the ground, or discovering that all of their friends who they'd lost contact with along the way were alive and well and happy and waiting for them somewhere.

So in this instance, what's done is done whenever Klaus awoke to find their boat hitting the shore of Briny Beach the next morning and what's done is done whenever Klaus suggests that they find out more about the name badges and where they come from and what's done is done whenever his siblings agree to this suggestion and what's done is done is when you are done reading about what's done is done and have completed your miserable perusal of this story, a phrase which here means, "read until you were sorry you had done so at all" and then finally you are done and then what's done is done is done. So when the boat did hit the shores of Briny Beach and Klaus was awoken from exciting dreams about V.F.D., he exclaimed to his sisters, "Wake up! We've arrived!"

Sunny, Violet and Beatrice all did with a start and then Sunny muttered, "Not so loud."

"Radinka!" the infant Baudelaire cried out, which probably meant, "You woke all of us up, Klaus!" or "Wow, another beach. Are we back on the island?" or even, "I've never seen a city before!"

"Looks like we made it," Violet said as she stretched and yawned. "Violet, Sunny, I think we should go find out more about where these name badges came from," Klaus suggested.

"You're still thinking about that?" his older sister asked.

"Of course! I was busy last night considering all of the things we could find if we met other volunteers," Klaus explained.

"Or villains," Sunny pointed out.

"I didn't think about that," her brother admitted and then felt downhearted about wasting his time thinking about V.F.D. a word which here means, "Klaus was disappointed his sisters had been smart enough to remember that they had plenty of enemies still alive and out to get them and their fortune."

It was then that Klaus said something that made feel like a wave of relief had washed over them. A wave of relief, much like the literal wave that hits the shores of a beach; such as the one that the Baudelaires were standing on when Klaus said what he did; can give a person a sense of calmness.

When the waves of the ocean hit the Baudelaires' feet as they stood on the sandy beach and Klaus gave them two words of comfort, his siblings were immediately hit with a wave of relief and felt at ease.

"Not Olaf," he proclaimed.

It was then that Violet and Sunny smiled and this wave of relief hit them, for they realized that their brother was right and that Count Olaf and all of his wickedness was no more. So they immediately presumed that since Olaf was dead, all wickedness in the world was also dead along with him. A wave of relief however, much like the waves of the ocean hitting the shore, is short-lived and doesn't last nearly as long as you would like. And for the Baudelaires it is my sad duty to report that their wave of relief didn't last even one day.

So if you, like the children did as they stood on Briny Beach; felt a wave of relief when Klaus said, "Not Olaf" and presumed much like his siblings did that all wickedness in the world was also gone altogether; then I must inform you that you are wrong and that no wave of relief will again hit the children for a very long time and if it were to hit them; it too would be short-lived and their lives would soon fall into misery and unhappiness again.

"You're right," Sunny said with a smile.

"I should've realized what you were implying, Klaus," Violet agreed and then it seemed that they had all finally come to a mutual understanding, a phrase which here means, "all thought in more or less the same way".

"So where do we go to find out more about them?" Sunny wondered.

"I was just thinking about that," Klaus said as he gazed out toward the city and then muttered, "Judging from the articles in the _Daily Punctilio_, almost everyone thinks that we're dead."

"But we can't trust what's printed there," Violet reminded her sibling.

"Poe?" Beatrice suggested.

The three older Baudelaires looked at the toddler in surprise and Sunny didn't even have to translate for them to understand what she meant.

"Do you suppose Mister Poe is still alive?" Violet wondered.

"Or did he die in the fire that consumed Hotel Denouement?" Sunny asked.

"And if he is alive, does he blame us for what happened?" Klaus asked. "Fresa," Beatrice said, which probably meant, "We should go find him and see; it's pointless to stand here on the beach forever," or maybe, "Denouement is a hard word to say."

Violet picked up the infant and then said, "Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt." So the orphans went up to the close by street and waited there for about an hour until a taxi noticed them and pulled over to the curb.

What Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were all thinking as they climbed into the back of the taxi was that it could very well hurt.

For Mister Poe, as I'm sure you're aware if you've read anything at all about the Baudelaires' previous adventures, was often completely clueless about the Baudelaires' circumstances, a word which here means, "thought he was being helpful, but usually ended up making matters worse for the children."

But the orphans decided that no matter how Mister Poe had treated them in the past, he had always tried to do his best. So they got into the taxi and Violet told the driver, "Mulctuary Money Management, please."

"What're a bunch of kinds like you going to a bank for?" the taxi driver asked.

"We have business to attend to there," Klaus said.

"Hmm. Does your mother know you are here?" the driver wondered.

"Our parents are dead, now if you please; take us to the bank," Violet said.

The driver nodded silently and then turned down the street that led to the bank that Mister Poe worked at and said conversationally, "That's too bad that your parents died. So, you're orphans then?"

"Yes, that's right," Sunny said.

"We'd prefer it you we were just taken to the bank," Klaus said tiredly, a word which here means, "the middle Baudelaire orphan didn't feel like talking about his parents' deaths or any of the other events that had plagued them to a complete stranger."

"I understand," the man said and then added, "Here we are, Mulctuary Money Management. Enjoy." "Thank you," Sunny said as they climbed out of the taxi.

"Don't mention it, I'm an orphan too," the man said with a kind smile and then closed the door and drove off down the street the way he'd come. "Hawatter," Beatrice said, which probably meant, "He seemed nice, you shouldn't have been rude," or "A fountain! I want to play in the fountain!"

The infant immediately crawled towards the fountain in front of the bank and Violet quickly caught her before she could dive in and drown. "That was close," Sunny muttered.

"Scary," Klaus added. "Don't run off like that, do you hear me? View all water just like you would on the island back home," Violet stated.

"Yadera?" Beatrice asked, which probably meant, "I thought this was supposed to be our home now?" or maybe, "But it looks pretty, Violet."

The eldest Baudelaire sighed and then the three of them walked towards the bank, each preparing themselves for what lay ahead. Whenever a person prepares for what lies ahead, they usually pack accordingly.

For example if you were to go on a camping trip, you would gather supplies such as a backpack, cooking utensils, a tent, food to eat, bedding supplies and perhaps even a box of matches; depending on whether or not you were a villain or a volunteer.

For the Baudelaires however, nothing could've prepared them for what lay ahead in the bank and for their meeting with Mister Poe and another individual shortly thereafter.

No amount of packing would've prepared them to walk into Mister Poe's office and to see him again for the first time in a year and to find that the banker was alive and well and still coughing roughly into a handkerchief just as he had done a year ago.

No utensil, map, or even a well-prepared dish could've readied them for what Mister Poe had to tell them or for what lay ahead ahead of what lay ahead. What lies ahead is in fact something that you cannot possibly prepare for since no one is capable of telling you what tomorrow will bring although there are many people who are quite well to do just that; but how most of them get their job is through going to college for many years or thru sheer chicanery, a word which here means "tricking people into thinking they can tell them what tomorrow brings even though that is impossible" and so therefore I deeply implore you to stop reading now and not even try to prepare for what lies ahead and instead go back to your life and whatever lies ahead in it.

As the large doors opened and the Baudelaires entered Mister Poe's office and found circumstances to be just as they had been over a year ago; Sunny, Klaus and Violet were both eager and disappointed. They were eager because they saw that Mister Poe was alive, but also disappointed; because the banker looked at them and said, "Can I help you children?"

"Mister Poe! It's us! The Baudelaires!" Violet exclaimed.

"The Baudelaires? Impossible! They died a year ago in that awful fire at the Hotel Denouement," Mister Poe proclaimed.

"No! It's us! Really!" Sunny stated.

"I've read articles in the _Daily Punctilio_ saying that you are dead, so it must be true," the banker argued.

"Mister Poe, it's Klaus, Sunny and me, Violet," Violet said and shoved the papers aside so that the banker could get a good look at her face. "Violet?" he asked in surprise and coughed into his handkerchief before commenting, "Can it really be you?"

"Yes, it's me and Sunny and Klaus," she answered, pointing at her siblings.

"Now this can't be right, there were only three of you before," Mister Poe stated.

"This is Beatrice, Kit Snicket's daughter and our adopted sister," Klaus said.

"Now children, none of you are of age to adopt an infant," Mister Poe said and then muttered, "But how did you survive the fire?"

The three orphans considered lying to the banker, but they knew that in the past that had gotten them nowhere, a phrase which here means, "caused them to burn down the Hotel Denouement and escape on a boat with Count Olaf."

"We helped Count Olaf burn it down," Sunny said. "We're so sorry," Klaus said.

"Now children, there is no need for you to take the blame for what that awful man did. He probably forced you to help him," Mister Poe decided and patted them each on the head before adding, "I must say it is a pleasure to see you again."

"Do you know of anybody else who survived the fire?" Klaus asked.

"Oh yes, I know about those who were in the fire," Mister Poe said with a nod.

"Hector?" Sunny asked. "I'm afraid I don't know who that is," the banker admitted.

"Jerome Squalor?" Violet wondered. "Nor him," the banker added.

"Charles?" Klaus asked. "I'm not familiar with him," Mister Poe answered.

"Mr. Remora?" Violet asked. "Nope," he said.

"Ms. Bass?" Sunny asked. "I don't know," he proclaimed.

"Frank?" Violet wondered. "Or perhaps Ernest," Klaus added.

The banker shrugged and as the children continued to list name after name of those they had known, they soon became dismayed; a word which here means, "came to realize Mister Poe knew little if anything about what had happened at the hotel."

"Justice Strauss?" Sunny said weakly, for she couldn't think of any other names. "Oh that I do know," Mister Poe said with a smile. The children looked at him expectedly and then he explained, "She died."

The Baudelaires looked at each other again and tears crossed their faces as they realized that the poor judge had died because of them. "Now children, it's not all bad," Mister Poe said and then added, "It just so happens there was a man here today inquiring about you. I'll go get him."

What Mister Poe failed to add was that it was in fact all bad for the orphans. And that the news they'd just heard about all of their friends was enough to make them want to return to their boat and go back to the island and stay there. If they had done so, they wouldn't have had to met the individual who walked into the room with Mister Poe and they wouldn't have had to hear his voice and they wouldn't have had to experience more misery in their lives and thus live thru another series of unfortunate events.

They could've just as easily gone on living their lives free of any unfortunate events altogether. In fact, I encourage you to now find a local ferry and find an island for you to run away to, seeing as an island is perhaps the safest and farthest away place from what is about to lie ahead in this story.

If you think you are prepared for what lies ahead, I encourage you to think again, and also to simply toss this book back into the trash receptacle from whence it came. For as the banker returned, the three children heard a voice they had become quite familiar.

"Hello, hello, hello… Baudelaires," the voice said and the Baudelaires felt their hair stand on end, a phrase which here means, "Their hair literally stood on its end from hearing this person's voice." And they turned around to face this person and found that their fears were in fact realized for the man they were staring up at was none other than Count Olaf.


	4. Three

**_Three_**

At this point in the story, I'm quite sure you have chosen to throw up your hands in disgust and give up; if you haven't done so already.

In fact, if you have managed to endure this far into the story of the Baudelaires' lives and did in fact read the end of the end of **The End** then you know that at the end of the end of **The End** this author assured you that Count Olaf was dead.

If you managed to read that account without sobbing bitterly and thus dampening the pages and making it impossible to read, then you would know for a fact that the villain who had plagued the Baudelaires and chased after them had died from two things, a harpoon and the Medusoid Mycelium; along with a much beloved sibling.

You would recall that the orphans buried the two of them on the island they have just left and that it has been well over a year since that event occurred.

So at this point in the story where you have read about a man looking and sounding exactly like Count Olaf and appearing in Mister Poe's office and causing the Baudelaires' hair to stand on end, I'm positive you have chosen to throw up your hands in disgust and give up on this story entirely. I have often wanted to do precisely that and there is not a day which goes by that I wish I could give up; but I know that my conscience and my editor would hunt me to the ends of the earth if I chose to do so.

You however can and should throw up your hands in disgust and walk away right now and go on presuming just as the Baudelaires immediately did that this man was in fact Count Olaf. However, let me reassure you; this is _**NOT**_ Count Olaf.

Count Olaf will _**NOT**_ be appearing in this story, nor in any other the other unfortunate events that will take place in the stories to come.

Count Olaf is in fact, _**DEAD**_.

I personally have gone to the island and checked the grave to make sure, so may I say to you again; that this is _**NOT**_ Count Olaf.

I say this many times, because in this instance; like the Baudelaires had you seen this man you would be completely convinced that it was the notorious villain, a word which here means, "Count Olaf is just wicked enough that if he did come make us believe he had died when in fact he had not and it wouldn't surprise you in the least."

"Count Olaf!" Klaus exclaimed in shock.

The other orphans were too dumbfounded to say anything and the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf said, "I am not Count Olaf."

"Children, this is not Count Olaf," Mister Poe proclaimed and then added, "He just said so."

"Just because a person says something doesn't mean it is true," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf commented.

"Count Olaf is dead," Violet muttered fearfully. "That is correct," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf answered.

"You can't be Olaf!" Sunny blurted out. "I am not Count Olaf," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf said.

"You sound like Count Olaf," Violet said in disbelief. "That's understandable," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf replied.

"You look like Count Olaf," Klaus remarked. "Also completely explainable," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf said with a nod.

"You even dress like Count Olaf," Sunny pointed out. "I didn't intend to," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf admitted.

The phrase, "looks and sounds like a duck" does not actually refer to a water fowl because if you ever were to encounter a duck you would not need to have it examined to know that it is a duck.

A duck is a duck and this fact doesn't need to be confirmed to you. Instead it refers to something that looks and sounds exactly like something else and so therefore, must be that.

For example, if you were to meet a man who acted exactly like you, you could say that he was looking and sounding exactly like you to such a point that you two would be indistinguishable and people would mistake you for each other because you also wore the same footwear and had the same mannerisms and were in love with the same woman. So if a stranger met the two of you, they might say "So and so looks like a duck and sounds like a duck! So it must be a duck."

Oftentimes however this is completely wrong, because even if you do look and sound exactly like someone else, you are not that individual and this can cause a lot of confusion; especially when asking a certain young woman to court you and she expresses the fact that you already asked her once today and she said no and gets irritated and goes home and never speaks to you again.

In the case of the man who looked and sounded exactly like Count Olaf, I can say that the phrase "looks and sounds like a duck" also was completely wrong. And I can tell you that this man was in no way similar to Count Olaf. In fact, if he was any less like Count Olaf; the Baudelaires wouldn't have even thought he was like Count Olaf just because of his appearance.

"I want to reassure you children that I am not Count Olaf," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf said and then explained, "I am his twin brother."

The Baudelaire orphans looked at each other in shock and then Klaus commented, "Count Olaf doesn't have a brother."

"He never mentioned me, of course," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf said with a nod and then stated, "You see I was his evil twin."

"But Count Olaf was evil," Violet said in confusion.

"That's right, he was. And I am truly sorry for all the wicked things he did to you," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf proclaimed.

"So are you evil too?" Klaus wondered.

"No, I just told you; I am my brother's evil twin. I'm good," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf explained.

"But if you're good, then wouldn't you be the good twin?" Sunny asked.

"Well from Olaf's point of view, being good would be just the same as you or I view being evil; you see?" the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf remarked.

"Not really," Violet muttered, wondering at this moment whether or not they still had any chance of returning to obscurity, a phrase which here means "leave without having anything to do with this man who looked like Count Olaf but claimed he was in fact good".

"Nevertheless, the fact of the matter remains that I am not Olaf; but I can understand the mix-up. It happens all the time," the man who was _**NOT**_ Count Olaf said.

"Then who are you?" Sunny asked.

"Falo," Falo answered.

"What kind of a name is that?" Klaus wondered.

Falo shrugged and said, "The one my parents gave me, I suppose."

"This is all too much to take in at once," the middle Baudelaire admitted.

"I understand you children have a lot of questions, as I have many to ask you," Falo said and then added, "Which is why I cam to see Mister Poe today. I wanted to find out as much as I could about you. It truly saddened me when he said that you were dead. I'm so happy you are not."

"If you're really Olaf's brother…" Sunny said as she continued to look at the evil twin; "Then where have you been all of this time?"

"I've been in jail, for crimes that my twin brother committed," Falo explained.

"You have no idea how many times I have wanted to meet you and to apologize for everything that Olaf has done to you. Which is why I came here today. I told Mister Poe that I would be interested in adopting you children," the evil twin stated.

Violet glanced at her siblings and for the first time, the Baudelaires realized their mistake about leaving the island. It is a mistake I'm quite sure you realized whenever you picked up this book and began to read it.

It is also a mistake we all make whenever we presume that in this world everything will always make sense and that the answers to the questions you were seeking will turn out to be satisfying ones. The mistake is this, in this world there is no way we can ever be absolutely certain whenever it comes to people.

This mistake would never occur if we were all just like a table, for a table is the same today, tomorrow and years down the the road. You would never go into your dining room and wonder whether or not your table will be there, nor would you have to wonder about whether the table would do you any harm. People however, are as unpredictable as the weather.

There are certain people who spend their lives trying to figure out this phenomena, why people are like storm clouds instead of furniture; but I'm afraid I haven't had the time to investigate that and I cannot say why this occurs nor do I fully understand why any one would want to be an ottoman anyways.

In the Baudelaires' case, they had made the mistake of presuming that they could be absolutely certain about everything now that Count Olaf was dead.

But as this man stood before them and proclaimed he was Olaf's evil twin brother, the orphans realized the error of their ways and were once again uncertain about everything.

To be uncertain is the worst feeling in the world because you feel as if you are balancing on a tight wire and can't decide whether or not you want to cross or if you want to wave at your friends in the crowd.

If you waved, you might fall and if you crossed you might fall; but you also realize that doing absolutely nothing is usually not an option especially when the woman you are enamored with is cheering you on from the crowd.

For the Baudelaires, they were now uncertain about what to do with this new information and whether or not to trust this man who claimed to be Olaf's evil twin brother and sadly, I must say they made the wrong decision. You are probably uncertain yourself about whether or not this story will get any better at all and perhaps are reading on in hopes of it becoming that way.

I can say with absolute certainty that much like the dining table will remain in your kitchen until the next time you move, this story will remain unbearable and miserable from front to back, a phrase which here means, "you should read no further and instead take up a more pleasant pastime such as gardening or alligator farming."

"I know you are probably not sure whether to trust me or not, children," Falo said with a nod and then added, "There have been so many people who have betrayed you in the past."

"We want to believe you," Violet explained.

"I realize this is all too much to take in at once. Perhaps if you journeyed with me to where I stay, you would see for yourself that I am indeed a good individual and not at all like my wicked brother," the evil twin stated.

"Children, I feel inclined to listen to Mister Falo's words. Should you need anything, you know how to contact me," Mister Poe said as he coughed into his handkerchief again and then left nonchalantly; a word which here means, "the banker didn't seem to care less about whether or not Falo was good or evil and probably didn't."

"Where do you live?" Klaus asked.

"In a gated community on the other side of the city," Falo explained and then added, "Well, actually it's an abandoned school that me and my associates are trying to renovate."

"You have friends?" Sunny asked in surprise. "Yes and it has been incredibly hard obtaining them when everybody goes around saying I am my brother. You have no idea how confusing that can be," Falo said and then added, "Now that he has died, however; I'm pretty sure that won't happen again. Although in your case, I understand the concern. Olaf was wicked enough he could fake his own death and make us think he was dead when in fact he wasn't."

"He is dead," Violet said and then extended her hand and said, "And I am glad to meet you, Falo."

The evil twin shook her hand and smiled gratefully before adding, "Now we must be off to the Very Fine Dwelling that will be our new home."

Klaus picked up Beatrice again and they followed Falo outside and as they did so, Sunny asked, "What all do you know about us? Or our parents?"

"I got to meet your parents several times before the schism. That was a wonderful time. Before Olaf turned to his life of crime and before our leaders decided-"

A taxi zoomed by them as they walked on and the orphans covered their ears as the loud automobile sped away and then Klaus said, "What were you saying?"

"But enough about the past; it's not really important anymore, Baudelaires. All of your troubles are over now!" Falo said with a smile.

Klaus frowned in disappointment and then followed their new guardian to his car. He fumbled thru his pocket and then felt the name badge and then had a hunch, a word which here means, "Klaus wanted to guess about the meaning of the name badges and made the mistake of asking Falo about them." "Do you know what these are?" the middle Baudelaire wondered and passed the card to the evil twin.

"It's a name badge," Falo said and then added, "And it has your name on it, Klaus."

"No, I mean on the back," he said and then pointed at the initials V.F.D. that were written in bold print. "I think it means it is not able to be used at all times, Klaus. You see the phrase 'offer void where prohibited' means-"

Falo began, but the middle Baudelaire cut him and said, "No I meant the three letters in bold print on the name badge."

"What about them?" Falo asked. "Do you know anything about V.F.D.? You said you met our parents. Were you also involved? Which side of the schism did you take?" Sunny wondered.

The evil twin of Count Olaf smiled slightly and then said, "Why don't you come with me and you can find out?"

To be handed something on a silver platter, usually means that you have been given the answer to all of your problems and everything you ever needed or wanted could be found there.

It does not in fact refer to a supper dish that is silver, or to any food that might be served on such a dish; although if you were handed a dish of steamed carrots on a silver platter it would be quite rude not to accept it from your host; even if you suspected they might be poisoned.

In this instance, the Baudelaires felt as if they had just been handed a silver platter whenever Falo smiled, for they presumed incorrectly that he had more knowledge about the mysteries that had confounded them and that the evil twin was going to be sharing that with them. So as they drove across town in the back of Falo's car, they felt like they were driving closer and closer to the end of the unfortunate events that had plagued them and were finally going to be living an ordinary life.

For the moment, the uncertainty that had hit them when meeting Olaf's evil twin brother was gone and they felt safe for once. It is here that must say the Baudelaires were about to be struck by a bolt of lightning, a phrase which here means, "as soon as they drove into the gated community which was the headquarters of V.F.D. they realized that it was not what they had expected at all."

If you have ever sought to find something and spent countless days or even months attempting to find it, oftentimes you expect a certain end result and in your mind you feel as if you already know what those answers might be.

For the Baudelaires, V.F.D. had been a part of their lives for so long; they felt certain that what they would discover would be both satisfying and put an end to the questions that had prevented them from sleeping well at night. So if you also expected that V.F.D. would in fact hold all the answers to the mysteries that have been presented in the Baudelaires' lives and there would be no further inquiries; I suggest you stop reading now and go on believing just that.

For in the next chapter, whenever the Baudelaires arrive at the Very Fine Dwelling and meet various members of V.F.D., some of whom may or may not be volunteers; they soon came to find that the answers they were looking for did not exist at all.


	5. Four

Four

Back in the heyday is an expression that actually has nothing to do with hay or any particular day that involves it; although if you were to collect hay on any day of the week I suppose you could call that a hay day.

Instead it refers to the way things were in the past, for example; if you were to go to where you lived as a child you could say back in the heyday it was a thriving farm with cattle and a lake filled with catfish and local fishermen on boats would go out quite often and attempt to catch them. What you would mean is that now, things are different.

The farm has been closed down for years, the cattle has all been sold and made into hamburgers and the lake has been poisoned. So the way things were was better than the way things are, which is usually the case quite often because things always get worse, especially when they are neglected.

It can also refer to the way certain organizations ran in the past, such as the one that the Baudelaires were about to become a part of.

And as the rusty old gates opened in front of their car, the three orphans immediately realized that the place had definitely seen better times. For Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice however; they had expected that V.F.D. would be the beginning of better times for them and then wouldn't have to think back to the past when things were good.

They wouldn't have had to recall the way things were before their parents died, or the fire burnt down their home or they met Count Olaf or they experienced a whole series of unfortunate events which hopefully you have read so I don't have to spend another thirteen books explaining everything you should already be familiar with.

Instead, they would be content with the way things are and feel happy and at peace again.

Sadly, as the car started going down the bumpy road; the Baudelaires realized that things were getting worse for them once again.

The building that V.F.D. occupied looked like it had been a schoolhouse in its heyday, with red paint that was drying and cracked and in some places; hopelessly beyond repair since half of the building was missing.

The shingles that had once covered the roof of the schoolhouse was now mostly on the ground, all of it having fallen off long ago and the roof looked bare and scratchy.

Drainpipes were no longer connected to it and hung out at odd angles while dirty water appeared to trickle from various spots.

In fact, the entire structure appeared to be ready to collapse at a moment's notice; with moss hanging on the bricks, windows broken and glass scattered across the overgrown exterior.

Roots were growing in the middle of the driveway as the car pulled up under the tilted awning and Falo stopped the car and then sighed wistfully, a word which here means, " the evil twin was taking a quick breath of air before telling the Baudelaire orphans a long and exhausting tale about the way things were."

I'm sure, as you are well aware, reflecting on the past does absolutely no good for anyone; because the past can't be changed. As I reflect on these events and write them down, I would like so desperately to turn back the clock and change things but I know that I cannot. But sadly we cannot help but think about the way things were because the way things are is often so dismal in comparison. For example, I often reminisce about the way things were before I fell in love with a woman who stole my heart.

How wonderful things were before I joined an organization and became involved in a dispute which to this day I am still feeling the repercussions of. How pleasantly I spent my days doing nothing except composing poems for the local drug store clerk, or going down and seeing how many catfish the fishermen had caught in the pond that day and never having to worry about treachery in any form whatsover and how much I dearly miss-

I must stop now before I am completely overwhelmed with grief for dwelling upon the past can lead to nothing but bitter tears and that is why Falo's explanation of how things used to be did absolutely nothing to reassure the Baudelaires.

"Back in the heyday, this place was so lively," Falo explained as he turned around and added, "The streets were straight and the gardeners would be outside humming melodies as they trimmed the lawn and manicured the plants. The roof was intact and cleaned often and the walls were freshly painted, with the brightest coat of red paint we could find. The playground was filled with laughter as the children ran outside in the sun and cheered each other on. We all worked together and made this place a little bit of paradise. The windows were intact and the building was whole and complete and not lacking in redeeming qualities."

"So what happened?" Klaus asked.

"The schism, of course," Falo said simply and then added, "But you'll find out about that soon enough. Come along, Baudelaires."

The orphans followed him inside the door that was barely hanging on its hinges and Violet commented, "It looks like this place was a battlefield."

"Indeed it was… as I'm sure you have discovered for yourself children, there are no safe places anymore for us. Volunteers have to hide and move from location to location all because of our villainous adversaries," Falo explained.

The interior of the schoolhouse, I'm sure you're not surprised to know; was just as dilapidated as the outside. Klaus held his nose and remarked, "What is that foul stench?"

"Probably the kitchen," Falo joked and then added, "Or perhaps the sewer. This building rests right along one of the main sewer lines for the city and its become backed up and the water when it rains- which is more often than not- and has just become filthy. When we want to take showers, we go into town and have to pay a hotel."

"The tile needs repairing, the wallpaper is peeling and there are holes in the wall. Haven't you thought about fixing any of this?" Violet asked.

"Sadly, my associates have been too busy trying to stop the schemes of Olaf and his cohorts to worry about that and I have been in jail," Falo explained and then added, "But I'm sure this place will be like it used to be one day."

What the evil twin here was telling the Baudelaires, I am sad to report; was a false hope. Wanting things the way they were usually can never be achieved because when you starting trying to make them that way, it can never turn out quite right.

For example, if you built a model ship and then dismantled it and then decided that you wanted it the way it was before you accidently broke some of the pieces and tried your best to recreate what you felt it looked like; you will spend so much time trying to fit the pieces back together that you'll wind up bald before you intended to be that way.

For trying to make things the way they were means forgetting everything that happened inbetween then and now and not focusing on all the terrible atrocities that have plagued you, which the Baudelaires so desperately wanted to do.

So if you also want things to the way they were before you ever picked up this story and began to read it, I am sad to say that will never happen and now that you have foolishly read about the unfortunate events which affected the Baudelaires; you will never be the same again.

"Would you children like a tour?" Falo asked with a pleasant smile.

"We're quite tired. Maybe we could have one tomorrow?" Violet said.

"Nonsense, I'll give you a grand tour on the way to where you'll be staying," the evil twin insisted. Violet and her siblings considered objecting, but it was Beatrice who cried out, "Osawi!" which probably meant, "I'm an infant and I need my sleep, so seeing an old run-down building would do absolutely no good to me."

Klaus held onto the squirming infant and then said, "I think she needs a nap."

"Here allow me," Falo suggested. The middle orphan took a step back and then passed the toddler to Violet before stating, "Sorry, it's my instinct not to trust anybody who looks like Count Olaf; especially his relative."

"I understand," Falo said mildly and Klaus realized he had probably hurt the evil brother's feelings.

"Well, on to the tour," Falo decided and then began to take wide steps down the hallway. The Baudelaires tried their best to keep up with him as he gestured broadly to his left and explained, "The east wing is where all our research work goes on and we spend our time looking at various plants and animals and determining useful purposes for all of them."

"Sounds like it would be exciting to learn about," Sunny decided.

"Sadly, you are new members of V.F.D. and therefore you are restricted from going there," Falo explained and then gestured to his right and added, "The west wing is where our teachers spend their time edifying our fellow volunteers about techniques and skills essential for survival and also cooking."

"That will be wonderful, we've been out of school for quite some time," Violet said. "As new volunteers, you are restricted from going to any of these classes," Falo explained with a nod and then moved down the hall and said, "To the right here is the gymnasium, where we coach volunteers and get them into shape and also explain how you can live a healthy lifestyle."

"I have been needing to get some exercise for quite some time," Klaus admitted.

"The newest members of V.F.D., such as yourselves; are not permitted to participate in these activities just yet," Falo remarked and then pointed to the left and said, "This is the library where our historical records are filed and categorized."

"We could learn all about the schism and about our parents!" Sunny said excitedly

. "The newest associates of V.F.D.," Falo began- and I'm sure by now you know already how the sentence is going to end- "are not permitted to look up any information until after their initiation."

"Can we do anything or go anywhere in the building?" Klaus asked.

"Of course you can children. These hallways are free to all as is the cafeteria, the bathroom, the supply room- as long as you have a permission slip- and the meeting room where we cast votes about different topics of the day. And once you've passed thru orientation, all these other activities will be open to you too in time," Falo explained.

"So when do we start orientation?" Violet asked. "Follow me," the evil twin answered and then they walked down an extremely narrow hallway that was badly lit to an office door. On the door, in large bold letters was the following notice:

**MI T R DO IN C **

**AS IS AN**

**ECO DE**

"**TH OR D IS UIE ERE"**

I'm sure if you saw this on the door, you would presume that whoever owned the building didn't care about the fact that the letters were all faded and some were gone altogether and you would be quite right.

You would also stare at it another moment and perhaps wonder about what the missing letters were and then before you know it, be inside the small cramped office staring at a stack of papers that reached to the ceiling.

The faded letters on the door would've told you that the cleanliness of this office was not going to be meeting standards commonly found in other places, but after having gone thru an entire schoolhouse that was run-down the Baudelaires guessed that it couldn't possibly get any worse.

But as they looked at the gum wrappers and trash strewn haphazardly on the floor and gaped in disbelief at the mess that filled the office, they realized that the rest of the Very Fine Dwelling was very fine indeed in comparison to this one room.

"What is it?" a voice said from behind the desk.

"Good morning," Falo said and then remarked, "We have three more members today, Dominic."

"More paperwork," the voice said angrily and then the Baudelaires heard the man stand up and saw his footwear under his desk. He was wearing black shoes that were brilliantly polished and the orphans could see their reflection in them, a phrase which here means, "if you wanted to you could use the shoes as a mirror, although doing so would probably look silly; especially if you tried to do it while the person was wearing the shoes."

As he stepped around the desk, they were quite shocked to find that the man who owned such a messy office was clean shaven and well-groomed, a phrase which here means, "the man wore black dress pants with blue stripes in them that were neatly pressed and had on a white buttoned dress shirt and black tie and his shirt was ironed and free of wrinkles and he had trimmed his face accordingly and styled his hair to fit his dynamic personality as he saw fit."

In fact, in comparison to the clothes Falo and they had on, the Baudelaires realized that this man was in a much better condition altogether. His eyes looked wrinkled as if he was always narrowing them and he glanced at each of them for but a moment before turning to their host and remarking, "I thought you said we had three new members, I counted four. That's more paperwork."

"Beatrice is just an infant, she can't be doing any work right now," Violet explained.

"Beatrice?" Dominic asked, his eyes widening and then he stared down at the child and then seemed to think about something and Klaus asked, "Yes, and I'm Klaus, and this is Sunny and Violet. We're the Baudelaires; it is nice to meet you."

"_**The **_Baudelaires?" Dominic asked again as if he couldn't believe it or it left an awful taste in his mouth, or both.

"Yes, I had presumed they could be dead or fugitives or completely innocent from reading the articles in the _Daily Punctilio_; but I was so happy to find they weren't when I visited Mister Poe. Dead, that is," Falo explained.

"It is a pleasure to meet you at last, children," Mister Dominic remarked and then shook each of their hands briefly and then wiped his own with a cloth before adding, "I was quite familiar with your parents back in the heyday."

"Mister Dominic will be assisting you in your orientation. Now I have to go speak to some of our other members, so I will catch up with you later," Falo said and then bid them farewell. If you had met Mister Dominic and guessed that he was a pleasant man to get to know just because he was a fine dresser, I'm sad to say you are wrong and the Baudelaires discovered this as soon as Falo left them alone.

For there are plenty of wicked and good people alike who dress well and this is not the way to distinguish them. It would be like going to a supermarket and assuming that because the food you are buying is on sale, it must be good for you and has not in fact poisoned by someone who was using your love of grapefruit to do you in.

In the Baudelaires' case, because Mister Dominic appeared to be rather pleasant in the presence of Falo; they presumed he was also a volunteer and not a villain who would make their lives miserable for weeks to come.

If you also feel that this well-dressed man is not a villain, then I encourage you now to stop reading the story and put this book away or better yet; shred it. For once Falo left them, Mister Dominic turned to the orphans and commented, "I must say, it is quite a surprise to see all of you alive."

"We have made it thru a lot," Klaus explained. "Indeed you have, Count Olaf put you thru so much; didn't he?" Dominic asked.

"Yes, he was a very wicked person. It seems his brother is good, though," Violet explained.

"There are plenty of people in the world who seem to be good; but that is not always the case," Mister Dominic said with a smile and then added, "Let me show you to where you are going to stay."

The Baudelaires foolishly followed him and as they did, Sunny asked, "How did you know our parents?"

"They were also involved in the schism that separated V.F.D. all those years ago back in the heyday," Mister Dominic explained and then added, "They are actually a prime example of what I'm talking about."

"What do you mean?" Violet asked. "I'm sure you think your parents could do absolutely no wrong," Dominic said with a grin and then added darkly, "But I know things about them that would give you nightmares."

The man approached the door that appeared to lead to another portion of the schoolhouse, but instead as he opened it the Baudelaires found themselves in an abandoned parking lot filled with several run-down buses.

"Our parents tried there best to make this world a better place," Klaus argued. "I'm sure you would like to believe that," Mister Dominic said with a smirk and then added, "But haven't you ever wondered where they got that fortune of theirs?"

Violet looked at him and muttered, "I've never really thought about it."

"Haven't you ever tried to guess as to why Olaf wanted it so badly?" Dominic asked with an evil grin.

"Because he was a wicked, greedy person," Klaus said.

"Perhaps," Mister Dominic said again and seemed to be laughing as he said it. "So I thought you were going to show us where we are going to stay," Sunny remarked.

"Deranai," Beatrice added, which probably meant, "I really need a nap" or "Sunny, I want to know more about what this man is talking about."

"Oh I am, and here we are, orphans," Mister Dominic proclaimed and then gestured towards one of the buses. "There are no living quarters out here," Klaus objected.

"Be glad we have these buses or you'd wind up sleeping under the stars, Baudelaires. I'd make certain I stayed inside tonight too, because it's supposed to be rather chilly," Mister Dominic remarked.

"We're staying in there? But that's not right!" Violet objected.

"Neither is the way things are, but that's the way things are," Mister Dominic said with a chuckle and then added, "I'll see you tomorrow morning orphans. Orientation begins right after breakfast."

Then without another word, he slammed the door and the Baudelaires were all alone. Klaus tried to open it up and he muttered, "He locked us out!" "Fread!" Beatrice said, which probably meant, "He doesn't seem as nice as I thought he would be!" or "It's freezing and I'm hungry and tired!"

The youngest orphan was right, the temperature had dropped and the wind was picking up and Violet remarked, "We better get inside that bus." "Violet, we can't sleep in there," Klaus said. "We've had worse," Sunny decided. "Beats sleeping out here," his older sister added and the three of them ran to the bus and stepped inside the rickety vehicle to escape the harsh wind.

If only by stepping into the bus they could also escape the harsh realities that faced them and the harsh night they were about to experience and all of the harsh events that would plague them when they met Mister Dominic in the morning and the many other harsh things that I cannot even begin to describe without weeping. But the harsh reality was for the Baudelaires; their story was not about to be over and neither is this one, even if this chapter is.


	6. Five

**_Five_**

The phrase, "Rain rain, go away… come again another day" is a poetic saying people may mutter when they do not like the weather.

It includes an old man who experiences an injury after waking up and then becomes unconscious because of that injury and doesn't rise again until the next morning and comes to his find his house is engulfed in an inferno, but that's another poem entirely.

You may be surprised to learn that this harmful poem actually is completely useless and singing it does not change the weather at all and so therefore whenever you hear a person mutter this phrase they are actually asking for something to change which they know cannot change.

For many events, not just the weather, are completely beyond our control and we may wish desperately for them to change and can never actually do so. Instead, wishing they would change is on your mind every single day until you are forced to write down a whole series of unfortunate events because you couldn't change things, and because your editor wouldn't stop harassing you.

As the Baudelaires sat down on the torn seats of the bedraggled bus, they felt like using the expression "rain rain, go away…come again another day," for two reasons.

The first, obviously; was how they wished their circumstances would change. For they had left the island and were now members of V.F.D. and were getting involved in a whole new series of unfortunate events.

The second, was the fact that portions of the roof of the bus were missing and it had begun to rain and the rain fell into the bus and literally made the seats, the floor and the Baudelaires sopping wet.

"Rain rain, go away… come again another day," Violet muttered as she gazed at the interior of the bus and realized that if they were going to have to live here for a while, several renovations would be necessary.

"We're never going to get any sleep," Klaus muttered.

"If that storm would let up, we would," Sunny decided as she tried to cover her ears. Every time there was a rumble of thunder, the entire vehicle shook and the orphans were tossed about like rags, a phrase which here means, "Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice had nothing to hold onto and would fall onto one of the wet seats or the floor."

"We'll just have to make the most of this," the eldest Baudelaire declared and then began to tie up her long hair into a bow, which she usually did whenever she was thinking of something to invent in order to help her and her siblings deal with whatever circumstances they were in.

"It looks like some of these cushions can come off. Klaus; help me tear them," she instructed him.

"We're going to make the bus even sloppier than it already is?" he asked in surprise. "We're going to use these cushions to patch some of the holes in the roof," his sister explained. Klaus nodded in understanding and then did just as Violet had asked him and went to the back of the vehicle and began to rip apart some of the seat cushions.

"Sunny, use your sharp teeth to tear these strips of tape off the bottom of these seats. We can use the tape to keep the cushions on the roof," Violet told her other sibling.

The former toddler nodded and let Beatrice explore the bus as she began to chew on the bottom parts of the seats and remove the adhesive, a substance otherwise known as tape, but I would hate to use the same word in every instance lest I were to become horribly bored and cease writing about these unfortunate events as I feel compelled to.

Which is why I have a thesaurus at my disposal, a rather large book designed to give words that have similar meanings to the ones you desire to use but are not the same. It is similar to the way that rare is like antique but not the same or wet is like drenched but again not nearly the same.

In fact, in life we often use expressions that mean something other than what they might appear to on the surface. But if I took the time to explain all of that I would have no room in which to relate to you what happened to the Baudelaires as I was.

"Will three be enough? The others are too hard to get off," Klaus told her. Violet looked at the leaky roof and knew that there were five holes altogether, the largest being in the back of the bus.

"Well, we can't worry about that one back there; but this is probably where we will sleep. So lets patch these three here," she said and pointed at three smaller holes near the entrance of the bus. Klaus nodded and then said, "We can't really reach the ceiling, unless we stand on each other; which would be uncomfortable."

"Graewal," Beatrice commented, which probably meant, "We're already uncomfortable because I haven't gotten any nap all day." Or perhaps, "I found something on the floor, check this out Klaus."

The youngest orphan had located a trap door in the bottom of the vehicle and as the middle Baudelaire examined it, he commented, "That's odd, usually the emergency exit is in the back or on the roof; why do you suppose they put it on the bottom?"

"Are you sure that's the emergency exit?" Sunny wondered.

"Well, it's the only other door on the bus, besides the driver's and the entrance; so it must be the emergancy exit," Klaus explained.

"V.F.D. must've realized that another door on the roof or in the back wouldn't have done any good, because that was the angle their adversaries might attack from," Violet guessed and then added, "We can't worry about it now. Let's put these cushions up."

Her siblings nodded and then Klaus let Violet climb on his shoulders and he tried his best to stay as still as possible as his older sister taped the cushion to the hole in the roof. While doing so, all of the Baudelaires continued to get wet and by the time they had finished patching all of the holes; they were cold, wet and extremely tired.

But their attempts to stop the storm had succeeded partially, for the cushions were doing their job and making sure the water didn't leak into the bus as easily. So Violet picked up Beatrice and began to rock her to sleep as Sunny found a dry spot under one of the seats and Klaus climbed into the driver's seat and curled up and tried to get warm.

Finally, Violet managed to put the infant to sleep and then leaned against the window as she held the toddler and fell asleep herself. I cannot describe the pain they experienced whenever they awoke the next morning however.

It is useless for me to tell you how their bones ached and muscles hurt as they woke up to the dreary gloomy fog that covered the schoolhouse nearby and how much they truly wanted to sleep even longer.

It is pointless for me to tell you that even though Sunny was a toddler, she felt a crick in her neck as she got out from under the seat and it is futile for me to explain how numb Klaus' legs were from sitting in one position all night and it is ridiculous for me to attempt to tell you how worn out Violet's arms were from cradling Beatrice all night and how dusty the infant had become from sleeping against a dirty glass window.

So as the orphans trudged outside, weary from the entire nightmarish night they had endured; I'm quite sure you must think that now they would get a chance to relax and recover their strength. If you were to assume this and that the Baudelaires didn't have to face more wearisome situations outside, then I am wondering whether or not you're reading the correct story and perhaps you need to get your head examined; especially since you ARE reading this story.

For outside the dilapidated bus stood Mister Dominic and he was smiling slyly at the Baudelaires as they stepped away from the vehicle onto the wet lawn.

"Morning orphans, I trust you slept well?" he asked. "Not at all," Klaus replied.

"That's too bad, members of V.F.D. must be vigilant if they ever hope to amount to anything," Dominic remarked as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully and then added, "You may not even be prepared for your first day of orientation. Maybe you are not cut out to be a part of our organization."

"What my brother meant to say was," Violet replied hastily and stepped forward before adding, "We didn't sleep well, but we are prepared for any assignment you could give us."

"Ah, excellent," Mister Dominic said and smiled again before explaining, "Today it will be quite simple. I want you to deliver a message to Miss Mary in room 7V for me and after you have done so, find me and report your success. Now, that's not so hard is it? And I want this done before 4PM, because that's when we have our daily meetings in the board room."

"All right, what's the message?" Sunny wondered.

"It is in this letter, which you are not to read under any circumstances nor to ask any other volunteer to help you along the way. New members such as yourselves couldn't possibly understand everything we are trying to accomplish here," the man stated.

"Ok, do we report back here after we are done?" Klaus wondered.

"Find me in Professor Edwick's study and get there prior to 4:PM or before that; because there is to be a meeting held in the board room and Falo wants to cast a vote about an important matter," Dominic instructed the orphans, undoubtedly repeating some of his instructions either in an effort to make sure they didn't forget them or were hopelessly confused.

"4PM, we won't fail you," Violet promised the imposing man, a word which here means, "the eldest Baudelaire was more or less frightened by Mr. Dominic's voice and stature, but wasn't quite sure he was a threat yet; although very soon she would come to find out that was indeed the case."

"I hope so, orphans; don't turn out to be failures like your parents," Mister Dominic growled softly.

Sunny almost shouted something back to the troublesome teacher, but the man was quickly gone in a flash, a phrase which here means "left the Baudelaires standing alone in the fog to consider the words that he had just spoken."

"Our parents were not failures," Sunny said as she picked Beatrice up.

"Threase," the infant yelled which probably meant, "I've never met them, but I know they were grand people" or perhaps, "How do you suppose Mr. Dominic knows so much about them?" or even "Klaus, are you trying to open that letter?"

That was in fact what the middle Baudelaire was about to do, but Violet quickly stopped him and said, "Klaus, Mr. Dominic specifically instructed us not to open this. We are to take it to Ms. Mary in room 7V and that is exactly what we're going to do. We don't have time to sate your curiosity, especially after what happened the last time."

"Sorry, I just wish things weren't so mysterious. We've been searching for answers for so long and it seems we're always handed more questions," her brother explained.

"Well, hopefully this task will put us one step closer to becoming volunteers and that'll give us access to some of the other chambers here in this Very Fine Dwelling," Sunny decided.

Her siblings nodded in agreement and then the Baudelaires went inside the ancient schoolhouse to fulfill their duty. If you have ever been given an assignment that involves carrying a message from one recipient to the next, then I'm sure you would agree that this is a very important job for anyone to take care of.

Delivering parcels, letters, receipts, messages, telegrams, communicating in Morse code, , a man's rag, poems, sonnets, theater productions, post-it notes or any other form of communication is a wonderful way to keep in touch and those given the job to take these parcel, letters, receipts, messages, telegrams, commutations in Morse code, messages written in invisible ink which can later be made visible if one knows the method, anagrams, poems, sonnets, theater productions, post-it notes, or any other form of communication should view their job as vitally important to the community.

I know during a particularly troublesome time in my life where I had difficulty keeping in contact with a woman that I loved dearly and still do to this day; resorted to any means of communication I could find, be it, parcels, letters, receipts, messages, telegrams, communication in Morse code, , rams a nag, poems, sonnets, theater productions, post-it notes,

telephone calls, , smoke signals, trained bat, crows, sign language, visual aids, lions, tigers, bears, hidden messages, unhidden messages, messages that could've been hidden but weren't, messages that were hidden and didn't need to be, requests, handwriting on walls, mimicry, dances, fire, ice, water, air, Sebald Code,

codes that we don't use, the Dewey decimal system, categorized files, documents, artistry, paintings, paint, statues, deliberate falsification, truth, lies, disguises, talking thru a friend, a friend talking thru you, strangers, acquaintances, visitors, guests, actors, crochet, knitting, sewing messages inside small dolls and shipping them,

clipping finger nails, messages in bottles, bottles in messages, locked safes, safe locks, haircuts, laundry, street signs, whales, bales of hay, songs, chords, verses, plays, books, chapters, brochures, napkins, cards, maps, jewelry, money, mechanics, automobiles, trains, planes, animals I haven't mentioned, animals I did mention,

details I should've thought of, details I did think of, other details not worth mentioning, this, that and the other thing that I could find in order to contact her and declare my undying love for her.

So trusting in the means to deliver this is vital and I took solace in every time I sent one of these parcels, letters, receipts, messages, telegrams, communications Morse code, passages written in invisible ink which I knew she knew how to make visible, anagrams, poems, sonnets, theater productions, post-it notes, telephone calls, de-cryptography, smoke signals, trained bat, crows, sign language,

visual aids, lions, tigers, bears, hidden messages, unhidden messages, messages that could've been hidden but weren't, messages that were hidden and didn't need to be, requests, handwriting on walls, mimicry,

dances, fire, ice, water, air, Sebald Code, codes that we don't use, the Dewey decimal system, categorized files, documents, artistry, paintings, paint, statues, undeliberate truth telling, truth, lies, disguises, talking thru a friend, a friend talking thru you, strangers, acquaintances, visitors, guests, actors, crochet, knitting, sewing messages inside small dolls and shipping them,

clipping finger nails, messages in bottles, bottles in messages, locked safes, safe locks, haircuts, laundry, street signs, whales, bales of hay, songs, chords, verses, plays, books, chapters, brochures, napkins, cards, maps, jewelry, money, mechanics,

automobiles, trains, planes, animals I haven't mentioned, animals I did mention, details I should've though of, details I did think of, other details not worth mentioning, this, that and the other thing that it would reach her safely.

It wasn't until later that I discovered that nothing had reached her whatsoever and she fell in love with another man due to the fact that my attempts had failed. The reason I am writing this down now is to inform you, dear reader; that the same failure I was struck with also hit the Baudelaires. For as Violet, Sunny, Klaus and Beatrice walked down the hallway of the Very Fine Dwelling, they passed by a variety of doors, a word which here means, "some were marked 3F followed by 6D and then 14V and none whatsoever were marked 7V."

They continued searching as they they did so, they grew wearier and wearier, walking down and back the same hall over and over again and becoming more and more worried since it appeared that the door either didn't exist or was in one of the sections which Falo had told them they weren't allowed to enter.

Checking one of the clocks on the wall, Sunny remarked, "We're running out of time, it's already 1:30!" "We've been up and down these halls and we haven't seen a room marked 7V," Klaus complained and then added, "What'll we do?"

"We were supposed to deliver this message to Ms. Mary before 4PM and that's what we're going to do," Violet proclaimed fearlessly a word which here means, "tried to show her siblings that she wasn't afraid of Mr. Dominic at all, although inwardly she was and was hoping they didn't realize she was."

"Should we ask for help?" Sunny wondered.

"Mr. Dominic specifically said we can't do that,' Violet reminded them.

"So what do we do? We haven't that much time left and we've looked at every single door that is marked and haven't found a single door that says 7V," Klaus said bitterly.

"We'll just have to go to the ones that aren't marked. Maybe this is some sort of test," Violet told her siblings.

"Jarika," Beatrice complained, which probably meant, "Well if it is a test, I'm really starting to not like Mr. Dominic; he's getting on my nerves." Or perhaps, "I don't understand but I did notice each door had either the letter, V, F or D by the number."

"That's it," Sunny exclaimed, realizing what her adopted sibling was implying and then turned to her other siblings and said, "The doors aren't in any particular order so we have to count them as going in the order of V, F and then D. For example, these doors here say 13F, 4V and 17D but its actually 13V, 4F and 17D; do you understand?"

Violet and Klaus looked at each other in surprise and then the eldest Baudelaire proclaimed, "That's brilliant Sunny. It is some sort of code." The Baudelaires hurried and started checking all of the doors to see if Sunny's theory is correct.

In the past, whenever the siblings had used their skills to unravel the puzzles that they were confronted with; things usually worked out for the best a phrase which here means, "the Baudelaires are quite talented children but all the talent in the world wouldn't have been enough for them to finish their task this time."

They found only one door that might be the correct one, marked 7F and they presumed it was supposed to be 7V; but sadly instead of finding Ms. Mary they found the storage closet.

As they continued their search, more often than not they would pass by one hallway that went to Professor Edwick's study and the orphans considered giving up. With each second passing, they came closer and closer to 4PM whether they liked it or not. Finally, after sweeping the entire schoolhouse for the 13th time; the Baudelaires collapsed in front of the Professor's study, thoroughly exhausted. "Its 3:38 PM. We might as well go and report to Dominic that we failed our mission," Klaus said tiredly.

"We still have 20 minutes," Violet said trying to argue, although she too was so tired she couldn't even stand.

"There's not enough time if we had 20 hours. Let's face it, we couldn't solve this puzzle," Sunny declared as she watched Beatrice play with the letter.

"I suppose we might as well face the music," Klaus said, slowly getting to his feet and approaching the door and knocking on it softly. The wooden door opened a few seconds later a fat gray-bearded man wearing a checkered sports coat opened it and gazed down at Klaus thoughtfully. "Yes?" the man asked.

"We're looking for Mr. Dominic, sir," the middle Baudelaire explained. The bearded man nodded and opened the door and the orphans stepped inside nervously, each unsure of what was about to happen.

Mr. Dominic was sitting on the other side of the study in a large reclining chair drinking champagne and laughing as he read something as they entered and then as the door closed the well-dressed man turned in surprise to look at the children.

"Baudelaires. You're early. Did you fulfill your task already?" he asked. The three exchanged a glance and then Violet stepped forward holding the letter in her right hand and then showed it to him, as her hand shook slightly from nervousness. "We couldn't find Ms. Mary," Sunny explained. "Or room 7V," Klaus added.

"So we couldn't deliver this vital message," Violet explained. Mr. Dominic rose from his chair slowly and glanced at the Professor before commenting, "I must say Baudelaires, I am very disappointed in you. Olaf always said you were very resourceful children; although I'm paraphrasing."

"Quite the student that one," the Professor said with a chuckle as if he was remembering something from a long time ago. "So you failed your first mission," Mr. Dominic said sadly and then pointed at the letter and said, "Why don't you open it up and find out what message I was attempting to convey?"

Violet glanced at the letter in her shaking hand and then back at their instructor before nodding silently and ripping open the envelope and then taking out the one sheet of paper inside. The eldest Baudelaire's eyes widened in shock and her mouth gaped open in surprise as she passed it to her siblings who gave the same reaction more or less and then Klaus said in confusion, "Its just a blank sheet of paper."

"Is it written in invisible ink?" Sunny asked. "No," Mr. Dominic replied curtly and then smiled and said, "There was no message to begin with."

"Then why?" Violet began, but the man raised his hand to forestall her inquiry before explaining, "The first lesson you should learn as new members of V.F.D. is to not always blindly follow instructions."

The three children looked at each other in shock again as they heard Mr. Dominic laugh along with the Professor as then the instructor explained, "There is no room in this schoolhouse marked 7V, nor any teacher named Ms. Mary. Your assignment was a sham. The lesson you have learned now, is never accept what you hear right off the bat. Question things, find out matters for yourself; break a few rules now and then and you might find the truth. Otherwise you'll end up just like two other failures I used to know."

"Our parents were not failures!" Klaus snapped back in frustration. Mr. Dominic's eyes flashed in anger and he slapped Klaus across the face, causing him to fall to the ground and knocking his glasses to the floor. It appeared that Mr. Dominic was about to do something else, when the Professor restrained him and remarked, "Its almost 4; we should head to the board room."

The man nodded and then pulled the middle Baudelaire up off of his feet before commenting, "Come on, orphans; you won't want to miss this."

Klaus put his glasses back on and turned to his sisters with tears in his eyes as the adults left the room and his siblings also shared a look of concern as they realized that there was nothing they wanted to do except miss having to spend more time in the company of this dastardly man. But I'm afraid I must report to you that this won't be the case for a very very long time.


	7. Six

_**Six**_

Not too long ago, I was asked by another patron at a café I visit quite regularly whether or not I have ever gotten to go to the courthouse or witnessed a board meeting involving the leaders of our fine city.

At first I wasn't certain whether or not he was speaking in code, so I gave the usual response and after he looked at me in confusion; I explained that I had never been to the courthouse to witness such an event; although I excluded a variety of details that he didn't ask about and perhaps he should've inquired about.

For example, had he asked me whether or not I had witnessed a board meeting; I could've said yes, although I was very young at the time, no older than Klaus was at the time he visited the schoolhouse where V.F.D. was operating and I didn't remember much. If he had asked if I'd ever been to the courthouse before, I also would've had to explain I had been to the courthouse and why I had been there and how it involved something near and dear to my heart and how that I was attempting to set free a friend of mine who had been imprisoned years earlier for crimes he didn't commit.

So whenever this patron asked me what he did, I answered truthfully; although there was much much more I wanted to say, but it didn't relate to his question and so therefore I remained silent on those matters.

For the Baudelaires, remaining silent was all they really could do as they followed Professor Edwick and Mr. Dominic down the hallway toward the boardroom; each pondering the predicament they were in. Klaus was probably thinking that perhaps if they could get to the library of the Very Fine Dwelling, they could search thru the archives and find out more about this place.

Sunny was probably considering that perhaps if they visited the kitchen of the Very Fine Dwelling they could search thru the ingredients and find out more about this place. Violet was probably pondering that if they could find the storage closet again that she could use something inside there to create an invention to help them escape from this place.

But none of their thoughts mattered at the moment as the two adults opened the large doors and ushered them inside the boardroom. The chamber was shaped like an oval with a large table which was also an oval but pointed at right angles to the walls sitting in the middle and large oval chairs for each member to sit in.

The Baudelaires looked at all of the volunteers and the volunteers looked at the Baudelaires and the Baudelaires realized they were being stared at by at least twenty or more people.

"I didn't realize there were this many noble people left in the world," Violet commented as they took their seats beside Mr. Dominic.

"Or wicked people," Sunny whispered, eyeing their instructor who had already begun to mistreat them.

"Good afternoon," a voice said from the front of the room and the children turned to see Falo enter from a different way and the volunteers all exchanged further greetings and finally Falo called the meeting to order.

"The world is quiet here," he said and the rest of the group grew silent and then he turned to a short woman standing next to him and remarked, "M, will you make roll call please?"

"Certainly," the woman replied with a smile. She took out a roster and then called out, "J?" A man stood up on the other side of the table and confirmed he was present and then she said, "W?" then "H?" followed by "I" although no one stood when she did and she scratched out that name.

"K?" she called out and nobody stood and then she called it out again and Falo was eyeing the children. Violet, Klaus and Sunny looked at each other in confusion and then Mr. Dominic pulled Klaus' arm and forced him to stand up before snarling, "Are you dense? That woman just called your name."

The middle Baudelaire looked at him in confusion and then feebly said, "Present?"

Dominic shoved him back down into his chair and Falo looked at them in concern before turning back to the woman who continued to call out various letters of the alphabet.

"They're just using the first letter of the person's name," Violet realized. "That could be confusing," Sunny remarked. "Especially since a lot of people may have the same first letter in their name," Klaus said, rubbing his arm to ease the soreness.

"V?" M called out and this time, Violet quickly stood and said, "Present." The lady looked at her in surprise and then Falo said, "I think you misheard, we were calling out V."

"The first letter of my name is v," Violet said, looking at them all. "Sit back down," Mr. Dominic ordered her.

"I understand you're new here, Violet; but these board meetings are vital to V.F.D. so I suggest you be silent and pay attention until your name is called," Falo instructed her and then turned to M and said, "You may continue."

"V?" M called out and this time a woman not far from Mr. Dominic stood and said she was present and then Violet turned to her siblings and asked, "How can we tell when they call out our names when a lot of people have the same first letter?"

"It is rather puzzling," Klaus admitted.

"It's going to drive me insane," Sunny remarked.

The roll call continued until another V was called out and this time when no one spoke, Violet rose and looked at them before saying uncertainly, "Present?"

"Well, either you are here or not," Mr. Dominic said with a chuckle.

Violet sat back down and then the Baudelaires waited as everybody else was called out, including Sunny and then Falo addressed the group. "The reason I called this meeting is because we must cast a vote about a very important matter," he explained.

"I agree," Professor Edwick said from where he was sitting.

"The matter is as follows. Who here believes we have a villain in our midst?" Falo asked. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all looked at each other in surprise, for once again the orphans were all thinking the same thing and knew exactly who they suspected of being a villain.

The children glanced at Mr. Dominic who didn't even flinch at Falo's words and they wondered if perhaps their suspicions are correct. Sadly, the only reason they had to regard him as a wicked person was the first day they had spent with them, so it was hard to tell. It was like trying to look at two paintings, both exactly the same and yet knowing one was a forgery.

I recall on one occasion when I was visiting the estate of the Duchess of Winnipeg and I went into her gallery along with a close companion of mine. We were viewing two paintings of the sort I've already described and got into a long and heated discussion about which one was real and which was fabricated, which a word that here means, "The poor duchess had paid too much for something that looked exactly like the real thing."

My argument was well-founded of course and I pointed out that both of the paintings were very real and that each was authentic because they both existed and the only way anything couldn't be real is if you made it up. We debated for hours on end, until at last the duchess had to stop us and then informed us that the auction was about to start and I needed to hurry if I was going to slip away before he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he

My apologies, but my printer jammed at this moment and I couldn't prevent it from reprinting the same word again, or perhaps I was nervous when thinking about that awful night and all that occurred shortly afterwards so instead I shall return to discussing the Baudelaires and how they were quite certain that Mr. Dominic was the villain who Falo was searching for.

"Each member may vote about this matter and decide whether or not there is a villain in our midst," Falo was saying as he passed each volunteer a pen and a pad. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny waited to receive one, but as the others got theirs, the orphans soon found that they were sorely lacking in what they needed, a phrase which here means, "for some reason they didn't receive a pen or a pad."

"Excuse me?" Klaus said, raising his hand. The other volunteers looked at him in surprise and then Falo said, "It is not the custom for another volunteer to interrupt during a vote, but since you are a new member; we'll make an exception to this rule. What is it?"

"My sisters and I didn't receive a pen or a pad," he explained. Falo opened his hands to show he didn't have any more and then said, "I'm sorry, we have a very limited supply right now." Klaus slumped back into his chair and then watched as the other members of V.F.D. cast their votes and he whispered to his sisters, "Do you think we're the only ones who suspect Mr. Dominic?"

"I'm not sure, but then again; I don't know if he is wicked or not. What he did today wasn't the same as how Olaf treated us. He was teaching us something very important, even if we didn't particularly like the way in which we learned it," Violet commented.

"But we were forced to sleep in a rickety old bus and we were worn out and he said our parents were thieves," Sunny said. Violet looked at them and didn't say a word and then her two siblings realized the impact of what she was implying.

When a person implies something, it requires no talking whatsoever; although usually whenever you talk it makes a lot more sense because whatever it was you were implying might be misapplied and then the whole meaning is lost.

For example, if you were imply that you wanted to go to the store instead of simply saying, "I want to go to the store and buy some new dishes," you might say, "I heard there was a sale on fine china downtown."

Or perhaps, "Have you thought about taking a trip downtown?" When the other person hears this, they may assume you are only making small talk; which in case you were wondering does not in fact refer to the size of the words you use nor to their context and I will further explain at a later time seeing as it doesn't relate to the matter of implying things, if you know what I mean.

So when in reality they don't understand the implication they don't know what you mean and then you are forced to explain it to them more clearly.

For Sunny and Klaus however, when Violet remained silent after her younger siblings' remarks about Mr. Dominic; they knew exactly what she meant but maybe that was because they were related or had been thinking the same thing.

"You don't think they were really thieves, do you Violet?" Klaus asked. Before she got a chance to speak, Falo said, "Quiet down back there, we're counting the votes." Mr. Dominic turned to them and said, "You'd better leave your conversations for another time Baudelaires; you never know if this meeting is being monitored."

"Monitored? Who would do that?" Sunny blurted out, a word which here means, "didn't keep her mouth shut when advised to do so." Mr. Dominic smiled slightly and then leaned down towards them as if he was about to tell them something very important and then whispered in the infants' ear, "Who do you think?"

"17," Falo called out as he passed the pens and pads to M and then added, "That settles it, then."

Violet, Klaus and Sunny looked at each other and then Violet raised her hand meekly. Falo smiled and then asked, "Yes V, what is it?"

"Is that 17 for or against?" she asked.

"It's a tie and so therefore we can't make a decision," Falo answered. Violet looked around the room and wondered how it was that there had been that many votes since there weren't that many people here but didn't know what to say or how to ask that.

"Now we will be having dinner," M declared and then all of the volunteers rose and followed Falo into the courtyard. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny walked behind Mr. Dominic and Beatrice clung to Klaus' shoulder and rubbed her eyes, indicating how tired she was and then Falo opened the grimy windows to the courtyard and they all went out.

The middle part of the schoolhouse was actually not as overgrown as the rest of the landscape and each member chose a picnic table to sit at and Mr. Dominic turned to the Baudelaires and said, "Sit over here with me, orphans."

The three siblings did so, nervously watching his every move and worried about how Mr. Dominic would react and then Klaus asked, "What will we be having to eat?" "Whatever they serve us," the man replied curtly and then smiled and said, "The meals here are quite appetizing."

Falo was walking thru the group and approached the Baudelaires and asked, "Well, what did you think of your first board meeting? Quite exciting, isn't it?"

"Confusing might be the right word for it," Klaus commented. Falo looked puzzled, his eyes gleaming thoughtfully and then he shrugged and said, "I suppose it does take some getting used to. So how has orientation been going so far?" Mr. Dominic was staring right at the children as they stared right back at him and without having to say a word; the orphans knew what he was implying.

If you had been sitting across from the wicked man and had experienced the things the Baudelaires had on their first day with him, then I am quite certain you know what he was implying. In fact even as I write this down, years later I still know exactly what it was that Mr. Dominic was implying and it still sends a shiver up and down my spine whenever I think about what he was implying and how he implied it and what it implied for the Baudelaires and what I am trying to imply to you.

So therefore I have no need to explain what he was implying nor to explain why it is that Klaus spoke up and answered, "We're really enjoying our assignments. Mr. Dominic is a great instructor."

And I don't need to say any more when I tell you that Sunny said, "We did a lot today and learned a lot."

And I shouldn't have to say anything further whenever Violet answered, "We're looking forward to tomorrow's assignment."

"That's good to know," Falo said with a nod and then added, "Mr. Poe implied that you were resourceful children. I wish I had gotten a chance to meet you earlier before you had to deal with my brother for so long. I think V.F.D. could've used volunteers like you back then, before the schism."

Before they got a chance to say anything else, Falo walked off and then Mr. Dominic began to eat his meal and comment, "So you're looking forward to tomorrow's assignment, Baudelaires?"

"Today wasn't so bad," Klaus said evenly, trying not to quake in the man's presence. "I suppose not," Mr. Dominic said as he pointed to their sandwiches and pudding and commented, "You should eat up, you'll be having a busy day tomorrow."

The orphans nervously picked up their sandwiches and began to eat them and didn't take their eyes off of Falo as he strolled through the courtyard. They took solace that while the evil twin of Count Olaf was nearby, perhaps Mr. Dominic could do them no harm and perhaps they were safe for the moment. If you believe that nothing whatsoever was about to happen, then I encourage you to go onto the next chapter and presume that nothing did happen.

In fact, while you're at, skip chapter seven as well and presume as you did in this chapter that things continued to get better for the Baudelaires. And then once you have successfully skipped past these two chapters, I encourage you to continue doing so until you have arrived at the end of the book and then you close the book and perhaps even set it down and feel content; presuming that you have just skipped past chapters of wonderful events and how the Baudelaires had so much fun experiencing them.

Because if you don't skip this chapter, or chapter seven, or any of the chapters to follow them; I'm afraid that you'll find out what I have implied all along and that the children's lives were not about to get any better.

Instead I suggest you go read another story about another group of orphans who didn't turn out to have such quite a bad time as I'm sure those stories certainly exist, although I personally haven't had the time to do research into the subject and have instead spent every single moment of my life discovering more about what happened to the Baudelaires.

In fact, if you were to keep reading; I'm sure you know by now that things are not going to get better and I have decided that implying this fact no longer amounts to anything and so I must straightforwardly tell you as I did to an adversary of mine once long ago and again last Tuesday- _**Read no further!**_

If you did read any further you would find out that Klaus ate his sandwich without incident, as did his siblings. And if you continued reading you would hear Mr. Dominic say, "Now children, eat your pudding and I'll take you back to your quarters."

And if you chose to continue reading after that, you'd hear Violet drop her spoon after eating a little bit of the pudding. And if you decided to unwisely find out why that was you'd discover that Sunny was beginning to develop spots on her face. And since you shouldn't read this at all, I can't tell you that Klaus exclaimed, "These have peppermint in them!"

It does little good to tell you either that Falo rushed over to the children as they broke out into a rash and were rushed to the school's infirmary and since you haven't read any of these things; I'm quite sure the remainder of the chapter would be too confusing.

But since these events are too terrible to describe and yet I am compelled to write them down; I will instead skip past the incident entirely and relate to you what occurred in the clinic. Klaus was scratching his skin in irritation as he gazed at his siblings who had also broken out into a rash and then heard the door open and Falo and Mr. Dominic walked in; both men showing a look of concern on their faces. Although the middle Baudelaire was positive only one of them really meant it.

"Children, this is truly dreadful, I don't understand it. Everyone was supposed to be served vanilla pudding, not peppermint. I am so sorry," the evil twin exclaimed.

"Yes, it is truly a horrible incident; especially since no one knew you had this allergy," Mr. Dominic said with a grin as if he were implying something.

Violet knew what he was implying right away. "In fact, it's as if somebody here put the peppermint in the pudding," he added, implying something else which Klaus realized right away.

"And then specifically made certain you three children were served it," the wicked man added, implying the very same thing Sunny had already determined as she gazed at him and knew precisely what he meant.

"Almost as if this individual were trying to tell you something," Mr. Dominic implied and at this point, Violet knew, Klaus knew, Sunny knew and even Beatrice knew and I know now and you now know so I needn't explain.

"Well, thankfully nothing like that happened," Falo said with a smile and then said, "Hopefully, you'll be able to recover soon so you can go on to your next assignment." With that Count Olaf's evil twin left and the Baudelaires were left alone with Mr. Dominic and all of his implications. "You tricked us," Violet said.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to," Mr. Dominic said with a shrug and then added, "Although if I did know something about why the peppermint were in that pudding; then I would guess I would also know something about you, Baudelaires." "We're allergic to peppermint," Klaus said as he scratched his arm again.

"And if I were aware of that fact, then perhaps it is also possible I may know a great deal of other things," Mr. Dominic said, his eyes gleaming thoughtfully and Violet immediately recognized that it was the same wicked look Count Olaf used to get whenever he thought of something awful; when in fact the villain thought it was something humorous.

"You're the villain who Falo and V.F.D. is searching for," Sunny exclaimed. "Who is the villain here, orphans?" Mr. Dominic said with a chuckle and then added, "If I was a wicked person, then I don't think it'd be wise to say that you knew this; do you?"

"What is it that you want from us?" Violet muttered.

"Now, that," Mr. Dominic said with a long pause as if he were thinking of the right words to say and then finally answered, "Is a very good question… my dear friend L-"

But before he got a chance to go on, Falo returned and said, "Children, I talked with E and you can stay here in the clinic tonight. Mr. Dominic, I think we should let them get their rest."

"Yes, of course," the wicked man said with a nod and then left the Baudelaires alone. As the door closed, the orphans huddled together on one bed and tried their hardest not to cry. It is here that once again, there is no need for words to imply what they felt. Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice clung to each other; each shaking nervously from their terrible day and then the eldest Baudelaire told them, "We need to calm ourselves and look at what we have found out today."

Her siblings tried their hardest to do so and then Klaus stammered, "Mr. Dominic is a very wicked man."

"He gives us cruel assignments," Sunny said. "Redaw," Beatrice commented which probably meant, "He knows something about your parents and my adoptive grandparents." Or "At least we don't have to sleep in that stinky bus tonight."

The three Baudelaires realized what Beatrice was implying and Violet picked her up and cradled her before commenting, "Let's try to get a good night's rest. Tomorrow Mr. Dominic is going to give us another difficult or even impossible assignment and I bet with our combined skills we can pull it off and become volunteers in no time." Klaus smiled weakly and Sunny did as well as they cuddled together on the bed, each warming the other as the night grew longer, a phrase which here means, "the time seemed to stretch out although such a thing isn't possible and each day and night is the exact same length every single day."

The Baudelaires fell asleep, and for the moment they were calm, and then pushed aside all of the horrible things that had just taken place. And that is why I am glad you did not read this chapter.

_Beatrice__, I am writing you this because I believe that if I slip this note into the middle of this book at the end of a chapter which it is unlikely that anyone will actually read so that it will not be found as easily, unless of course someone is flipping thru the pages and this page so happens to catch their attention. _

_I wrote several times in the preceding chapter the need for the reader to skip past all of the other chapters, in which case I believe they did; and if they didn't and are reading this note now then perhaps they are noble people and may help us in our search. I hope so. _

_I am writing to tell you that all is well and the investigation is going smoothly and I am one step closer to finding out the truth and to getting something to eat. If you know what I am implying, as I am sure you do; since we have corresponded several times in the past in this manner- although not using books-then you know what you must do. _

_I apologize for having you pay the amount required to get this manuscript, but perhaps you found it under the railroad or in the back of the trunk where I left it for you as implied in the coded message. _

_If you did not, I will pay you back and buy you a root beer whenever we meet again. I hope it is soon. The article should be enclosed on the following page, if it is not; someone else took it. If it is, take it. _

_**With All Due Respect,**_

_**LS**_


	8. Seven

_**Seven**_

By this time, if you are still reading this story and you skipped past the last chapter as I instructed you to and unwisely choose to read this chapter instead, as I instructed you not to do; then you are probably lost in what is going on especially if you are flipping thru the book and came across something in the middle, in which case, you know exactly what is implied.

If you are a noble person, as I hope you are and you're reading this to discover what has been going on and you did skip the last chapter or flipped thru the book as I presume you did, then you wouldn't know that Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice slept in late at the schoolhouse infirmary of the Very Fine Dwelling where they were trying desperately to become volunteers for a shady organization, a phrase which here means, "shrouded in mystery" known as V.F.D. and you wouldn't be aware they had met the evil twin of Count Olaf or a very wicked man named Mr. Dominic.

In fact since you probably did flip thru this book and probably didn't find anything in the middle; which I hope you didn't then you know as well as I do that reading any further about this would do you no good. Because as the Baudelaires awoke and realized they had slept in late they knew that Mr. Dominic was going to very irate with them a word which here means, "harsh above and beyond his usual wicked demeanor."

So they rushed to his office, only instead to discover that he wasn't there at all. Instead on his cluttered desk was a note, along with a small box filled with several things which Klaus identified as kitchen utensils by saying, "These appear to be for the kitchen."

" 'Dear orphans, I want you to take these supplies to the kitchen, no questions asked please- D,'" Violet said reading the note and then frowned and turned to her siblings and asked, "Do you think it's a trick?"

"I don't know," Klaus admitted. "We're not supposed to go to the kitchen, Falo said new members like us have to obey the rules," Sunny commented. "Look at this," Klaus said as he rummaged thru the box and pulled out another slip of paper.

" 'Dear orphans, I want you to take these supplies to Professor Edwick, no questions asked please-D,'" the middle Baudelaire said as he showed it to his siblings. "Well now we have two assignments," Violet muttered.

"And Mr. Dominic is obviously telling us that if we do one thing, we'll be successful but if we do the other; we won't," Klaus commented. "And he isn't around for us to ask which is which," Sunny added.

"One of these tasks will put us closer to becoming a volunteer," Violet said pointing at the first request and then turned to the other and remarked, "Whereas the other could be a trap."

"Or they are both tricks, and if we do either Mr. Dominic will once again prove he is smarter than us," Sunny said irritably. "Dreakia," Beatrice said, which probably meant, "Can't we do both assignments?" or "I wish we could go to the kitchen and get breakfast I am starving."

"It also doesn't tell us where to report to after we've finished our task," Klaus remarked. "And there doesn't appear to be a time limit this time," Violet added. "Maybe we should just do nothing?" Sunny asked.

"That'd probably be the worst decision of all to make, Sunny. If we did nothing that would only prove Mr. Dominic is smarter than us," the eldest Baudelaire commented. "Maybe he is smarter," Klaus lamented.

"Haiteq," Beatrice cried out as she pulled on Klaus' right pant leg, which probably meant, "Violet, Klaus, Sunny; you're not listening! We should do both assignments!" or perhaps, "If I don't get anything to eat soon I am going to throw a fit."

"Beatrice is right, we should attempt to tackle both of these problems at once," Violet said as she added, "And our first task should be getting something wholesome to eat. After last night's meal in the courtyard, I am quite famished." "But the kitchen is off limits," Klaus pointed out as he picked up Beatrice and told the infant, "Don't worry, we'll get you something to eat."

The eldest Baudelaire looked at the two slips of paper and then said, "Perhaps Professor Edwick is in the kitchen? And therefore by taking the supplies to the kitchen, we're also taking them to the Professor."

"Or he is somewhere else entirely and we're not supposed to take them to him at all!" Sunny said as she threw up her hands in defeat, which by the way I am surprised you haven't done several times already while reading this chapter.

"Its like the prisoner's dilemma," Klaus commented as the Baudelaires left Mr. Dominic's office and walked down the hall. The prisoner's dilemma is an old riddle that has to do with two criminals in adjacent cells separated only by a glass wall thus preventing them from communicating to one another. Suddenly, they have discovered that there is a way for both of them to escape and the only way to do so is by working in harmony with the other criminal. However, neither of them have any way of telling this to their partner seeing as speaking thru glass is very difficult to do and so they are afraid to do so.

But if they were to remain neutral and do nothing whatsoever, something that in itself might be easy to do; could result in their untimely demise; seeing as they have both been incarcerated above shark infested waters and they are standing on a rickety bridge which could collapse if either of them moves. Also, if one prisoner were to be greedy and attempt to escape on his own, he could kill his partner and then be unable to escape at all, thus the nature of the dilemma deepens.

When Klaus spoke these words to his siblings, he probably felt that they were also above shark infested waters and were standing on a rickety bridge in the sense that if they didn't do what Mr. Dominic told them, they could experience more harsh treatment. But also the middle Baudelaire realized that if they did do what Mr. Dominic wanted them to do, they could experience more harsh treatment so in a sense their prisoner's dilemma was even more frustrating than the one I previously mentioned; which by the way it is my regret to say that even though we both made it outside, my partner fell back into the shark infested waters and my dilemma only deepened more after escaping the prisoner's dilemma.

"Well, Mr. Dominic advised us yesterday not to always follow the rules and to try to find things out for ourselves," Violet said as she pressed the box of supplies near to her so that she didn't accidentally drop them.

"But Falo told us we have to obey the rules because we're new members," Sunny argued. "Falo is the evil twin of Count Olaf, can we trust him?" Violet asked. "Mr. Dominic is a wicked man who has mistreated us, can we trust him?" Klaus retorted.

"We're wasting time arguing amongst ourselves!" Violet said as they moved towards the kitchen and then placed the box of supplies down and stated, "Maybe we should pull straws." "Violet, how can you think of something like that at a time like this?" Klaus asked in surprise. "Hyania," Beatrice commented, which Sunny translated by saying, "She said we don't have any straws to pull." Violet smiled and said, "I meant we should vote about the matter and then come to a decision." "We could spend all day debating about which way to vote," Sunny stated.

"Well there are four of us, so lets just reason this out," Violet said and then added, "We have three options, we can take these supplies to the kitchen, take them to Professor Edwick or do absolutely nothing. I think we should go to the kitchen and find out why Falo said we are not permitted to. Its only a kitchen after all."

"Well I think we should go find Professor Edwick and give these supplies to him, so that he can figure out what to do with them. That seems the most harmless thing to do," Klaus decided. "I think we should do absolutely nothing and find out more about V.F.D. on our own," Sunny declared. "Tujarr," Beatrice said which probably meant, "I think there is a fourth option, we could find Mr. Dominic and confront him about what he knows" or "That food in the kitchen smells fantastic."

This last statement the toddler made was in fact correct, the aroma coming from the nearby kitchen did catch the Baudelaires attention and it caused their mouths to begin to water; a phrase which here means, "The children hadn't gotten a good meal in some time, and were desperately wanting to obtain one." "Maybe we should go to the kitchen after all," Sunny suggested as she wiped her mouth. "Professor Edwick could be in the kitchen," Klaus said as he started towards the double doors. "Don't forget the supplies," Violet said as she rolled her eyes and followed her siblings into the kitchen. On the side of the wall in large easily read print it said:

**WARNING!**

**THIS MEANS YOU!**

**DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!**

**STOP!**

If you are like the Baudelaires, and are upstanding citizens, that is people who obey the law without question then when you read these words you would know that disobeying them could result in a fine or possibly being sent to jail. You would recognize that these words mean that you were restricted, they were speaking to you personally, you should go no further and you should stop. The Baudelaires however had several reasons to pay no attention to these words, the primary one being they were needing a well cooked meal very badly.

The other being they hadn't any idea how to fulfill Mr. Dominic's impossible assignment, whether it was the first task or the second; and also they realized doing nothing would probably be the worst thing to do. So for them they assumed that disobeying the rules would be in their best interests, a phrase which here means, "result in them being fed, well-informed and not mistreated."

Sadly, the children soon learned that no matter what they did all three of these things would not be in their grasp. Because anytime you are entering a restricted area, you take the risk of being caught by those who have restricted it and for the Baudelaires they wound up being caught just as I was once caught attempting to leave a restricted area after sending a sonnet via telegram to my beloved. So their attempts to be fed, well-informed and not mistreated resulted in them being hungry, confused and poorly mistreated and so therefore I would like to give you the same warning that they failed to heed:

**WARNING!**

**THIS MEANS YOU!**

**DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!**

**STOP!**

The clamor in the kitchen was enough to make Sunny want to cover her ears, turn around and leave and Klaus and Violet felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of people moving around. At first everything seemed completely unorganized, and considering the other confusing things that had happened while they were at the Very Fine Dwelling, this didn't surprise the children much.

But as they stood there and watched the volunteers go about fixing various meals, dishes, washing, cleaning, mopping floors, checking ingredients, clanging pots together, tasting soups, placing orders, breaking dishes, sweeping the floor, changing aprons, adding seasonings, changing ingredients, going home sick, staying to work despite being sick, telling other volunteers to stop clanging pots together, slipping on wet floors, calling for a doctor, and performing other tasks, Klaus, Sunny and Violet found that the kitchen seemed to be working like a well oiled machine a phrase which here means "despite the fact that the kitchen was extremely, everything appeared to be taken care of in a timely and orderly fashion."

After a few minutes of trying to make themselves known, one of the volunteers finally stopped what they were doing and stared down at the children. "What are you doing in here?" the older woman asked. "We're looking for Professor Edwick, ma'am," Klaus answered.

"Can't you read?" the woman asked in surprise. Now, let me assure you that the woman did not mean to insult Klaus' intelligence; since most if not all people can read and if you can't read then you wouldn't need me to tell you that the woman didn't mean to insult Klaus at all because you can't read. Instead, when a person asks whether or not you can read something, they are wondering why you choose to not do what the written word says.

For example, in this case, I advised you as the reader to go no further and to not read about these terrible events but if you choose to do so and at some point in your life we had the unfortunate mistake of meeting each other in a café or dark alley depending on what day it was and who was looking for me; and you revealed you had chosen to read despite my warning to not do so I would then be forced to ask you "Can't you read?" not as a blow to your intelligence but to wonder why you went against my warnings and read anyways.

In the case of the middle Baudelaire, the older woman was wondering why Klaus chose to ignore the warning printed on the door of the kitchen. "We know that the kitchen is off limits to new volunteers, but we need to find Professor Edwick," Violet explained.

"There is no excuse for disobeying rules, no matter what the reason. The first rule of being a member of V.F.D. is to obey every rule," the woman asked. "But Mister Dominic said we shouldn't always do what we're told," Violet objected. "I'm sure when you said that what he was telling you was by not doing what you were told, you were actually doing what you were told," the older woman answered and then briskly walked away. "That didn't help us at all," Sunny lamented.

"Brinka," Beatrice said and before the younger orphan got a chance to translate, they all saw that the infant was crawling closer to the kitchen. "The employees will step on her!" Klaus exclaimed. Violet and her siblings without thinking, rushed into the kitchen to stop their adopted sister from being trampled by the busy volunteers and in doing so, a hundred things happened at once.

The volunteer holding the eggs taking them to the baker who was creating the cake for the upcoming meal tripped into Violet, causing his eggs to fly out of his hands and I'm sorry to report, hit the volunteer kneading the dough in the face who attempted to slap the egg of his face only to hit the volunteer standing next to him who was working on the blender in the face, causing him to lean forward and get his tie stuck in the blender and short circuit the contraption and send yogurt flying everywhere.

I would go on to relate all of the other terrible things that happened in the kitchen that day, but I would think at this point you would grow tired of a tedious explanation, so I shall simply skip past the other awful experiences the Baudelaires went thru and tell you what happened whenever Falo entered the kitchen. "What is going on in here?" the evil twin asked in a high pitched voice as one of the volunteers helped Klaus out of a vat of fresh yogurt.

"Sir, these new volunteers came into this restricted area without authorization," a woman replied as she took the pineapple away from Sunny and wiped the toddler's face of cream cheese.

"Baudelaires!" Falo exclaimed as he looked at them in surprise and then muttered, "I want all of you to come with me to my office right away, I'd say you have a lot of explaining to do." The evil twin helped Violet off of the wet floor and then the eldest Baudelaire grabbed Beatrice before she got stepped on again.

As they left the debacle, a word which here means "horrible mess that the members of V.F.D. were choosing to blame Klaus, Sunny and Violet for", the Baudelaires no doubt wondered how they had allowed Mr. Dominic to trick them once again. And they also wondered how Falo would react.

If you have never known a person, but only met one of their relatives then naturally you would assume that this person would act in the same way as their family member even if that wasn't the case at all or perhaps it really was, depending on which family member you met since some have similar likes and dislikes.

Since the orphans had just met the evil twin of Count Olaf a few days ago and had also dealt with the wickedness of Mr. Dominic, they no doubt wondered if the leader of V.F.D. would prove equally wicked as they reached his office. But even noble people can act wickedly in some instances, sometimes without realizing their mistake or perhaps thinking that what they are doing is the right thing.

In the case of Falo, I cannot say for sure since I never met him nor do I intend to meet him anytime soon seeing as I am currently hiding in this crate on the back of the jeep carrying me down the road to my next hiding spot to await further instructions.

But if I were to meet the evil twin of Count Olaf, I would definitely want to ask him one simple question and hopefully he would be straightforward with me, a phrase which here means, "answer me without giving me an explanation that actually didn't answer my question I had originally ask, which some people do because they think if they give you some kind of answer, but not the one you're searching for; then you'll be satisfied" and he would tell me why he opened the door to his office and inside stood Mr. Dominic.

"Ah, children, there you are; I've been wondering where you have been all day," the wicked man proclaimed with a sinister snicker and all the hopes the children had of explaining things to Falo quickly vanished.


	9. Eight

_**Eight **_

One of the most frustrating things to go thru in your short life is to have a person tell you what you already know, and this is because if you already know something then by them telling you what you already know you have wasted valuable time that you could've spent doing something else entirely instead of hearing about something you were already aware of;

but you already knew all this so if I were to tell you how that one of the most frustrating things to go thru in your short life is to have a person tell you what you already know,

and this is because if you already know something then by them telling you what you already know you have wasted valuable time that you could've spent doing something else entirely instead of hearing about something you were already aware of than I would be going against my own rule to not repeat things and so I shall try very hard not to tell you something you already know but I believe this will prove to be impossible, because I already know that it is.

So since I already know something, then retelling it would prove pointless because I already know it and telling it to you would not make things any different whatsoever and so therefore I shall stop right now from telling you something I already know.

Instead I will tell a few things that perhaps you didn't know or perhaps you haven't been enlightened to know about yet, unless of course you did know about them in which case I would fail again in my attempt to not tell you things you already know.

But since I have no way of knowing what type of person you are, whether a dermatologist or a lawyer or something in the middle of those two professions, I have to choose carefully what to relate to you that you might not already know.

For example, whenever the Baudelaires entered Falo's office and saw Mr. Dominic standing there waiting for them, they already knew what was in store for them because there would be no way to tell the evil twin of Count Olaf about Mr. Dominic's treachery with him standing only twenty feet away, but you already knew this.

And there would be no way to explain about the mission that Mr. Dominic had given them that morning since it involved violating the rules that Falo had given them upon their arrival at the Very Fine Dwelling, but you already knew this. And I'm sure you already know that Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice wanted desperately to tell their new guardian about all of the questions they had for him along with the other question they might not of thought of yet.

So instead of telling you what you already know, because it can be tedious and boring, words which here mean slow and time consuming; I will simply inform you of what the Baudelaires did. "I gave you a rather simple assignment this morning, children; how could you have gone against my specific instructions?" Dominic asked.

"We were trying to carry it out," Klaus argued.

"Yet you entered the kitchen and disturbed our cooks and our bakers, and therefore tonight the meal will be late for all members of V.F.D.," Falo pointed out. "I think considering the gravity of this situation that the orphans should be restricted a meal," the wicked man commented.

"No I don't think that will be necessary, Mr. Dominic. But I certainly hope in the future they don't continue to fail their assignments. Klaus, Violet, Sunny, we are all counting on you. I have a feeling you have as much potential as your parents did whenever they led V.F.D.," the evil twin of Count Olaf proclaimed.

"I agree completely, my dear Falo," Mr. Dominic said with a mysterious gleam in his eye as he stared at the children and added ominously, "They could prove just as useful as their parents."

"Well, I suppose I should go tell our fellow volunteers about the late dinner they'll be getting," Falo said as he stood up and then quickly added, "From now on Baudelaires I hope you realize that whenever rules are set you are supposed to follow them."

As the evil twin left them, the children turned to Mr. Dominic and Sunny said, "You tricked us!" "Did I?" the man countered. "You told us to go to the kitchen," Klaus commented.

"And you also told us to find Professor Edwick," Violet added.

"I believe you are implying that I forced you to carry out these assignments. Have you no will of your own?" Mr. Dominic countered.

"Rules are supposed to be obeyed," Klaus commented. "What if the person making the rule is wicked?" Mr. Dominic countered.

"Wicked people don't have any rules," Sunny growled. "So if the rule goes against what you believe, then it isn't a wicked rule?" the man wondered. "

What are you suggesting? We're members of V.F.D, we have to follow the rules they give us," Violet replied. "Children, I hate to tell you something that you already know; because it can be very frustrating whenever someone does this and tells you something which you should already know… but I believe it is necessary to get the point across. Whether you appreciate it or not,

I have been trying to help you see since you got here that your perspective is flawed. Rules and regulations are for people who are scared to take a chance. If you don't question things, how will you find any answers?" the wicked man said.

"Why should we even listen to you? You're our enemy," Klaus countered.

"Very good, Klaus; see things like that are exactly how you should feel about the members of the Very Fine Dwelling as well. Yet instead, because you assume that you already know everything there is to know about V.F.D. you don't question matters," Mr. Dominic remarked.

"If we were to question our allies we would stop trusting them," Violet argued. "Maybe trusting them isn't what you are supposed to do," Mr. Dominic suggested and then added, "Every time I have given you an assignment, you have failed miserably; but I am going to try once again to help you, Baudelaires. I honestly don't want you to wind up like your parents."

"Our parents were good people," Sunny proclaimed.

"Another misconception you've allowed yourself to believe, because you assume you already know something, which can be almost as frustrating as being told something you already know," Mr. Dominic stated.

It is here that I should pause and confirm that in this case the wicked instructor was quite right, for whenever you are being told something you don't know, but you assume that you already know something; then it can be frustrating to the one trying to tell you something you don't know because if you assume you already know it then them telling you something will be pointless because you'll assume you already know something about it… but you already knew all this.

In the case of the Baudelaires, they wanted to believe that they already knew everything about their parents and knew they were noble and honest people. But the truth of the matter was, there was already something they knew about their parents that proved that this wasn't the case, and that was that they didn't know everything about their mother and father.

"If you really want to tell us something about our parents, why not simply tell us instead of forcing us to do these mundane assignments?" Violet growled.

"I believe you are wondering why I am so interested in assisting you to become enlightened about V.F.D., but since you have assumed that you already know I am a wicked person; telling you that I am not would prove pointless. So instead I will give you an assignment and we shall see what becomes of it," Mr. Dominic replied with a smirk

. "What is our mission this time?" Sunny wondered. "There are sewers running below the Very Fine Dwelling, some of them are secret passageways that lead to other places that are connected to V.F.D. If you follow one of them, you will find yourself back where you started. And if you go there, then you will find out everything you need to know about your parents and their own twisted past," Mr. Dominic answered and then rose and answered, "I'd be extra careful though, the sewers tend to clog up and can be rather smelly so you'd better go prepared."

"That doesn't sound like a mission, those sound like instructions," Klaus commented. "Once you've decided that you don't already know everything about your parents, I'm sure you'll realize just what your mission is," Mr. Dominic answered and then left the Baudelaires to consider his enigmatic words. If you are a person who assumes that they already know something,

when in actuality you don't know something it is very hard to accept the fact that there is something you don't already know about something when you thought you did. It can be very frustrating to realize that what you thought you already knew was actually something you didn't know, and when you realize it was something you didn't know you begin to wonder what else you don't know, but you already knew this.

For example, once long ago I confronted an old colleague of mine who assumed that he already knew the way to the location we were having our meeting at. But as we passed by the juniper tree for the fifteenth time, I realized that we were hopelessly lost and then had to convince my companion that this was the case.

And since he was certain that he already knew something, convincing him that he did not was most troublesome, until at last he did become convinced when we ran out of gas and had to walk thirteen miles to the closest grocery store only to find the location we were headed to was burned down already, so it didn't matter whether either one of us already knew something because neither of us knew that.

In the case of the Baudelaires, Mr. Dominic had just told them once again that they didn't know everything about their parents; so the question presented as to whether or not the children would accept the fact that they didn't already know something about something they thought they already knew about.

"Mr. Dominic is a wicked man, we shouldn't believe a word he says," Klaus argued. "But he was involved with our parents, or so he claims," Sunny commented.

"That's all he really does, isn't it? He has claimed a lot of things since we met him but so far we have had no proof that what he is telling us is the truth," Violet remarked.

"Well how do we go about doing that, unless we do what he tells us to and find this secret passageway beneath the Very Fine Dwelling?" Sunny asked.

"We have nothing to base our trust on his words, especially since he already tried to hurt us once by putting peppermint in all of our food," the middle Baudelaire commented.

"But he has also proven that he knows more about us than we care to admit, and tricked us twice," Violet pointed out. "

That's just the problem, perhaps he is trying to trap us again?" Klaus asked.

"Bodinka," Beatrice added, which probably meant "I don't really care what he is trying to do, I'm still hungry," or perhaps, "It doesn't really matter does it? We have to try to start searching somewhere."

"Beatrice is right," Sunny said and then added, "Mr. Dominic has given us a hint about what is going on, and whether his intentions are wicked or not; it's the only clue we have right now. Plus, we still haven't gotten a chance to get a good meal. We should find out how late dinner is going to be."

"Maybe that was Mister Dominic's plan all along, to try to keep us from eating our meal," Violet commented as she felt her stomach grumble. "Well it is a good thing Falo isn't like his evil twin Count Olaf, otherwise, we wouldn't have a meal at all," Klaus replied.

"I am very glad Falo is nothing like his evil twin Count Olaf, even though usually an evil twin implies a twin that is evil," Sunny remarked. "I suppose the reason Falo chooses that title is because if you said he was Count Olaf's good twin it just wouldn't sound proper, although it is confusing to have to refer to him as the opposite of what he really is," Violet stated.

The Baudelaires then left Falo's office and made their way toward the cafeteria in hopes of finding a meal, which I'm afraid wasn't afforded to them after all but only because the kitchen staff went on strike.

"I'm very sorry children, but this matter was beyond my control, the volunteers who worked in the kitchen have decided that what happened this afternoon was reprehensible, which is a word that means-" Falo began, but Klaus cut him off by stating, "We know exactly what it means in this instance, no food."

"It is very rude to interrupt someone Klaus, but yes that definition would be correct," the evil twin replied and then added, "I'm certain they'll get back to cooking within the week. Their strikes don't last very long."

"Erina!" Beatrice exclaimed, which if you are wondering what the translation is I'd say you don't even have to guess considering the fact that this was an infant and she hadn't gotten any food in a day so I'll just skip over this part, especially since it isn't worth repeating as some things are, such as the need to remind you that things for the children were about to get even more dire, but you already knew that and that is something that isn't worth repeating after all.

"What are we supposed to do until then?" Violet asked in surprise.

"Well children, I know how resourceful you are; I've read articles in the _Daily Punctilio_ about your escapades to evade my cunning brother and his cohorts, so I have full confidence that you'll find a way to scrounge up some food," Falo answered with a smile and then walked away briskly before the orphans even had a chance to object.

"This is madness," Sunny remarked. "What do all the rest of the volunteers do? They have to eat sometime, don't they?" Klaus commented

. "I guess we're the only ones who are really suffering, and it's all because we listened to Mister Dominic's instructions," Violet lamented as they walked away from the cafeteria toward the parking lot. "Maybe there is some breadcrumbs near to the bus? Don't the volunteers feed the birds that fly by here?" Sunny asked. "Are you suggesting we live off of filthy crumbs for a few days until this ridiculous strike ends?" Violet replied in disbelief.

"It'd be better than nothing at all," the toddler answered and stared in defiance at her older sister, making Violet realize that Sunny was just as scared as she and Klaus were. As they got to the rickety bus and climbed inside, the Baudelaires felt broken and defeated by what Mister Dominic had done to them, and perhaps even wished they could have another batch of peppermints so they could wind up sleeping in the infirmary again instead of the dilapidated vehicle they currently were residing in. But sadly, no peppermints were close by and even if they were and despite the orphans' allergic reaction to them, considering their hunger if there had been peppermints there I am almost positive the trio would've eaten them.

That night, they had even more difficulty sleeping and the three of them sat in the middle of the floor and discussed what they were going to do next. "Are we sure what Mister Dominic told us isn't another trap?" Klaus wondered.

"Well, it isn't against the rules that Falo gave to us when we arrived… so I think we can explore the sewers," Violet remarked. "If we find a way out of this place, do we even want to come back though?" Sunny asked and then added, "We were better off on the island." For a moment, it looked like she was going to place more blame on Klaus, when the middle Baudelaire stood up and said, "That's it, don't you see? I finally understand what Mister Dominic is trying to do."

"Freaqiulina," Beatrice commented as Violet rocked her, which probably meant, "Don't startle me like that, Klaus; I'm trying to take a nap" or perhaps, "Well, are you going to tell us or keep hopping up and down like an idiot?"

"What is it Klaus?" Sunny asked, translating for her adopted sister and opting to leave out the part about her sibling's lack of intelligence. "He's been making us fight amongst each other and question each other, that's exactly what he is doing by giving us this information," he explained.

It was at this point that the other orphans received a moment of clarity. A moment of clarity is whenever something you thought you already knew turns out to be something you didn't actually know and you wind up finding out all over again that you didn't know it and then discover that you knew it all along.

So when Klaus explained that Mister Dominic was getting them to fight amongst themselves, Violet and Sunny immediately realized their brother was right and what they thought they already knew was something else entirely. "I think we should find this secret passageway, and figure out where it leads," Violet commented.

"I agree, because I don't want this wicked man to get the better of us," Sunny stated. "No matter what, if we work together; we'll be able to figure this out," the middle Baudelaire stated as he cradled Beatrice for a moment and for the time being, the children's confidence had been restored. But if you believe that their efforts to work together to solve their problems, and that their confidence would remain undeterred, than I suggest that you stop reading now since you assume that you already know all of this, but you already knew all that.

However if you are unsure about what troubles the children will face next, I still encourage you to stop reading entirely and go on to other activities far less nightmarish, such as scuba diving or rhinoceros training. But, you already knew all this.


	10. Nine

_**Nine**_

In the following chapter, I will be using the phrase, "the light at the end of the tunnel" rather frequently and at several key instances that affect the Baudelaires and what happens to them, however you should not assume that the first mentioning of it was what I just mentioned nor the mentioning of it I am about to make

, seeing as neither of these involves the Baudelaires but merely it is my task to explain to you what this phrase can mean, seeing as I do not wish to define it differently every single time I use it.

Of course I could easily define it every time I intend to use this phrase, but that would be monotonous and as I mentioned in previous chapter, some people do not like being told over and over what they need to do, even if it was necessary for repetition in order to get things organized.

In some cases repetition can be necessary, such as when you're listing a long, long, long, list of instructions for someone to follow, perhaps a volunteer or a firefighter or both. Because in a dangerous situation you would need to know what the instructions were in order to get out alive,

but sometimes the list is so long you have trouble remembering and then as you're on step 22 you suddenly realize you missed steps 6 and 14 and now you're having to retrace your steps and in the process get caught in the wildfire.

So some organizations tend to write things down in short simple sentences so that their members can remember what is most important and then during a dangerous situation you wouldn't have to waste time worrying about step 22, 14, or even 6, when there are only two steps you have to remember and that's not quite as hard to do.

Of course you could be a certain type of person who has trouble remembering anything, in which case I just wasted a large amount of ink telling you that repetition is important and now it would necessary to tell you again seeing as you might be suffering from amnesia, which if you're still reading this story perhaps you are.

But now I have become sidetracked to my original point, which was to explain why I feel it is unnecessary to repeat some things and now I am requiring myself to repeat this because I have become so far sidetracked. So now that I have repeated what I needed to say, I will stop now for fear of overdoing myself and will instead simply list the various definitions of "the light at the end of the tunnel" which I will use in this chapter.

The first definition, is the most obvious, a light at the end of the tunnel can refer to just that, a literal light at the end of a passageway and during this chapter the Baudelaires will find themselves in such a situation where illumination will be necessary.

Whenever I refer to this definition I shall simply refer to it as the first usage of the light at the end of the tunnel and therefore there will be no need for me to explain which definition it is.

The second usage of "the light at the end of the tunnel" can refer to an experience some people claim to have whenever they are near death, even though I personally can say I've never had this experience despite being very close to death on various numerous occasions. This odd phenomenon supposedly is caused by them nearing their death and they feel they are seeing a bright illumination from very far off and so they think they are having to go toward it.

In the case of the Baudelaires, I'm sure it will become quite clear how this particular usage of the phrase "the light at the end of the tunnel" is used in this chapter. The final definition of the phrase "the light at the end of the tunnel" used in this chapter is also metaphorical a word which here means "would not be understood unless I told you so, and that is what I have been doing anyways" and it refers to whenever someone discovers something that they didn't know before,

such as finding a secret passageway where there is a light at the end of the tunnel and then you realize there maybe a light at the end of the tunnel of the mysteries you've been plagued with throughout your unfortunate life.

That is exactly what the children will experience in this chapter, along with the other definitions I have already mentioned and so as not to reiterate any further, I will instead tell you how that the Baudelaires had used their spare time to go to the supply closet and gather things they would need for their trip into the sewers. It is one thing to consider a journey into the unknown and entirely another to embark on it and as the siblings looked in on the closet, they realized that they had no idea what they needed to bring with them.

There were the usual cleaning supplies, a plunger, toilet cleaner, toilet brush, air freshener, soap, bleach, mop water, a mop bucket, rat poison, detergent, floor wax, a broom, a mop with a broken handle, a mop with an unbroken handle, a handle, a mop handle, two scrub brushes, several sponges, several things that might or might not be sponges, water, forks, spoons, dust mops, trash bags, biohazard bags, and fluorescent light bulbs.

"Most of these things we probably won't need if we're going into the sewers," Klaus commented as he examined the dimly lit closet. "But Mister Dominic said we should go prepared," Violet pointed out.

"Are we sure that he wasn't trying to trick us?" Sunny countered.

"We can't be sure of anything anymore," the middle Baudelaire told his siblings.

This made his two sisters fall silent, a phrase which here means "Violet and Sunny had nothing to say about Klaus' comment and didn't know whether or not venturing into the sewers was a wise plan anymore but knew that their brother was correct about the uncertainty of their situation".

"We might need these trash bags, and those scrub brushes, and the air freshener, and the detergent," Violet advised her brother as she started grabbing things.

"We don't have anything to carry them in," Sunny remarked.

"Ewas," Beatrice stated, which probably meant "I don't want to go down a stinky sewage pipe anyway" or perhaps "We can use the bucket that Mister Dominic gave us earlier which we were supposed to deliver to Professor Edwick but were unable to because the wicked man foiled us again".

"That's a brilliant idea," Sunny told her younger adopted sister and hugged Beatrice softly before taking the bucket from her and dumping out the supplies.

"What're you doing?" Klaus asked in alarm as she did so. "It needs to be empty so we can use it," his sibling explained.

"We could get in trouble," Violet said. "There is no rule against dumping things on the floor," Sunny pointed out and at this, her brother and sister exchanged a look and then chuckled softly. It is here, amid all of the terrible situations that the Baudelaires were enduring that I am happy to say they were able to share a moment of humor with each other.

For in a world filled with mystery and wickedness and deceit, it was comforting to be able to do something out of the ordinary a phrase which here means "dump supplies onto an already dirty floor to point out that a certain organization had too many rules" and so the children took this opportunity to laugh amongst themselves and actually feel happy again and felt that they were experiencing the third definition of the phrase I have previously mentioned. So Klaus took the bucket and filled it with a variety of supplies for their upcoming trip and Sunny pushed the debris from the box out of the way and soon they were ready to search for an entrance to the sewers.

It is one thing to want to journey into the unknown and another to embark on such a trip. And since I have already begun a policy of not reiterating things, I feel it is necessary for me to instead to skip to where the children found the entrance to the tunnel after much searching and once now were experiencing the first definition as they opened up the grate and looked down the hole.

"Are we ready to find out where this leads?" Klaus wondered.

"As ready as we'll ever be," Violet remarked. "Nothing is sure anymore, remember?" Sunny pointed out and then passed the youngest Baudelaire to Violet and started climbing down the ladder which led to the dank sewer below.

It would be pointless for me to describe how brave the children were to embark into this dark abyss on their own without any assistance, especially since they have done countless other things in the past to prove their courage and to show that they could face any situation. So instead of describing the journey down into the sewer,

I will tell you of my own cowardice whenever I had to deal with the second definition of the phrase I have previously mentioned on a certain occasion involving a close companion of mine. We had found ourselves in rather dangerous situation, not unlike the one the Baudelaires were facing and so we felt that we needed to find our own light at the end of the tunnel, particularly the first definition,

although the third would've been fine as well. As we prepared to go thru the dangerous and frightening tunnel we were afraid that something might attack us or perhaps we would get trapped or the passageway would floor or any other number of things could or could not occur and we became so terribly horrified at the thought of something befalling us that we chose instead to remain outside of the tunnel and find a light at the end of it some other way, preferably not the second definition.

But I can say for a fact that the children were much braver than I was, or my companion who remained a coward most of his adult life even though that isn't a recommended course to take and they were able to reach the bottom of the ladder and were soon deep under the Very Fine Dwelling.

Once they had reached it, Sunny realized that their wicked instructor had not been exaggerating about one thing; the sewers definitely were not the freshest place to be. She held her nose and began trudging thru the goopy water, which was up to her waist, but that was not terribly high considering that the youngest Baudelaire was only four and a half, and despite her capacity to walk and talk now she still was shorter than her old siblings and probably would be for some time

. Klaus and Violet followed her down the tunnel as they walked, the eldest orphan held Beatrice close to her so that the infant wouldn't have to deal with the horrible odor or the possibility of falling into the mucky water. Klaus was now closer to Sunny, helping her out of the water and commenting, "Maybe it'd be easier if I carried you."

"Thank you for the offer," his younger sister replied, but choose to stubbornly continue on her own without his assistance.

They traveled under the schoolhouse for a few minutes, and heard the creaks and other noises above their heads and from time to time came across another opening which lead to a bathroom or to a hallway or outside of the facility entirely and as they continued down the dank dark tunnel, the Baudelaires soon realized that they were no longer near the Very Fine Dwelling but were somewhere in the city instead. If you have ever found yourself suddenly away from a place that is full of horribly wicked or inept people, than you no doubt will not be confused when I tell you that the children sighed in relief, glad to be away from Mister Dominic and all of his wicked ways.

And if you have ever found yourself away from a situation that sometimes made you want to break down into tears and weep for days and days, then you will also understand why Violet suddenly became filled with tears. This is not to say that the eldest Baudelaire transformed into a gigantic liquid droplet, but the phrase "filled with tears" refers to whenever a person is suddenly realizing something and becoming very emotional.

In the case of Violet Baudelaire, what she realized was just that and it caused her to weep many tears as she stood there in the dank dark sewer and her siblings looked at her in concern and Sunny asked, "Why are you crying?"

"Because," her sister explained between her tears, "We have to go back there, to Mister Dominic and all of his evil ways." As what Violet said sank in, her two siblings also became tearful because they realized she was quite right and that there was nothing they could do about it.

"Can't we just leave and never return?" Sunny asked. "Where would we go?" her brother wondered. "Back to the island, where everything was safer," Violet commented.

"But the island wasn't safe, and it was also a boring life to lead," Klaus commented. "It is better than having to deal with all of this misery," Sunny argued.

"Maybe our pain will be rewarded in the end," Klaus suggested.

His older sister wiped her tears and nodded silently and was perhaps about to make another point when she caught sight of the first usage of the phrase I feel it is unnecessary to define. This caused all three of the orphans much delight, for they had been down in the sewer for almost an hour and was eager to get out and find out where they were.

So the Baudelaires approached the second ladder and with determinedness I certainly cannot fathom, climbed up to find out where this passageway might end. A very wise man who was once a colleague of mine said that if you are ever going to face a challenge that requires you to take a second look then the best thing to do is to start at the beginning.

As I write these unfortunate events that plagued the children, you will no doubt realize that there were thirteen prior volumes of equally horrendous happenings that the Baudelaires had to deal with.

So as the children began their new journey you have come to see that things have not turned out quite as good as they had hoped and if you had been expecting something else I'm sorry to say that is not the case. Even so, some people expect that if you go back to where it all started, then things can be set right. For the Baudelaires however, getting right back where they started was definitely not an enjoyable activity.

When they pushed the grate away from the sewer, and Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice stepped out into the afternoon sun, they found themselves right in the middle of their former home.

The children stood there for a moment longer, perplexed by where they were and no doubt wondering why they were here of all places. Why, they wondered, was there a passageway between the Very Fine Dwelling and the former Baudelaire mansion? Why, they thought, were they being forced to come back here of all places to bring up old memories?

Why was Mister Dominic having them come back here to their old home and telling them there was something here that they needed to find? As they stood there, completely befuddled by their current circumstances, the children had many thoughts running thru their head as they stood there in their abandoned home and then Violet began to tear up again as she gazed about at the various things strewn about the room and the other debris that covered their formerly loverly home.

Her other siblings joined her a moment, as they reflected on what once was their home and they knew that it would never be that again. So as the Baudelaires stood there and sobbed and looked at the destruction that had been wrought upon their home, they were at last able to break free of all the things Count Olaf had done to them, because now they were dealing with an equally villainous man, even though they weren't fully aware of that yet.

But for now, a whole chronicle of events had been past them and they were able to free of all the dreadfulness that Count Olaf had caused and because of this, the children actually felt very comforted. And as they stood there in the wreckage of their old home, together again at the place that started it all, they all felt prepared for what happened next, even if they weren't.

So the children recomposed themselves, and Violet stared at all of the blackened materials lying about them and asked her siblings, "Where do we go from here?"

"Mister Dominic claimed if we followed this passageway we would find something that would help us, but he is a very wicked man and might have been lying to us," Sunny proclaimed.

"We should search and see if we can find anything that hasn't completely turned to ash," Klaus suggested. His sisters reluctantly began to doing so, and as they did perhaps they felt nostalgic about the place that was once their home. As Sunny went thru the room that was once the kitchen, she probably thought back to the many different times her mother cooked here and she played on the floor as an infant and as Klaus explored the ruins of the library, he must've recalled the many volumes that had once been there, and asking his father for one on the top shelf,

And as Violet searched the ruins of the stairs, she probably thought about working on one of her projects with her father in the past. But as each of them searched thru the wreckage of the mansion, they all felt the same thing, the loss they had experienced of the books, the dishes and the inventions was nothing compared to the loss they felt for their mother and father and it was because of this that they continued to search for the third definition of the phrase I have aforementioned.

It was Sunny who came across what she felt was very important, and when she did find it, she called out to her siblings to come and help her. The item in question was amongst other burned volumes and debris, and upon further examination the youngest Baudelaire discovered that it was an old photo album that was mostly destroyed.

But since the Baudelaires had no idea what they were looking for, Sunny decided to inspect the inside of the album to see if any photos still remained intact. And as she did so, the former toddler came across something so shocking, so unbelievable that I must now give you a moment to prepare yourself for it.

But since no amount of time would be proper for me to determine especially since I myself cannot believe it after all of the time that has elapsed since I found the same album that Sunny did in my own investigation many years later, and when I discovered the particular photo that the former toddler looked at, I did have a large amount of time to consider it and still do. But despite having all of this time, I still do not completely know why this photo exists or what its significance is.

But as the children examined it, and each felt that they seeing something that couldn't be possible, they also realized that this could be the very definition of the phrase I have aforementioned that they were searching for. So Violet took it from her younger sister's hand and showed it Klaus and then the three of them examined it again and then turned it to the back, where there was some writing, but it was not English so they couldn't translate it.

"This photo is what we've been looking for," Klaus said as if he were absolutely certain of it. "But it doesn't tell us anything," Violet lamented.

"It could also tell us everything," Sunny remarked. "It could be the light at the end of the tunnel we've been searching for," the middle Baudelaire pointed out and none of his siblings needed a definition to understand what he meant. For in the photo were four figures, and the Baudelaire children knew exactly who each one was.

To the left stood their parents, each holding the other in their arms and looking content as they smiled for the photo. To the right stood two people that they also knew, Count Olaf and the equally wicked Mister Dominic.

Why these two evil villains were in the same picture as their parents, the children couldn't fathom and why they all appeared to be colleagues also made very little sense to the Baudelaires.

"This must've been taken before the schism," Klaus decided.

"But I've never seen Count Olaf smiling, or our parents look so happy. How is it that they were all once friends?" Violet asked. "We should show this picture to Mister Dominic," Sunny decided.

"Varlinka," Beatrice agreed, which probably meant "But he is a wicked man and might lie to us" or perhaps "I wish I was born back when they were alive so I could've known them."

The Baudelaires were all very silent at this comment, for they also missed their parents very much and weren't quite sure what to do now that they were gone. In this instance, the definition of the phrase I've mentioned at the beginning of the chapter couldn't be clearer as the children gathered their things and began to climb back down into the murky sewer to return to the Very Fine Dwelling.

Even though there was enough wickedness in the schoolhouse alone to make them skittish and feel like they wanted to return to the island they had once called their home, the Baudelaires bravely chose to face the trials they were experiencing and returned. In such a situation I surely would've turned and ran the other way sobbing bitterly, but the children once again showed extraordinary braveness and trekked toward the next trial they would surely face.

Violet placed the picture in her knapsack so it wouldn't get wet, and as they trudged thru the slimy water, she couldn't help but to wonder about their discovery. Was Mister Dominic telling the truth and had the children been deceived by their parents?

Or was there something else going on they were yet unaware of when it came to the even murkier past of their family? Could they trust Mister Dominic to tell them exactly what was the truth?

Or would they have to continue to look for the answers themselves? All of these questions and many others went thru the eldest Baudelaires mind as they trekked thru the winding passage way and searched for the first usage of a previously mentioned phrase.

It is here though that another unexpected thing occurred and I would suggest you turn the other way but by doing so you might break your neck so instead I encourage you to black out the remainder of this chapter with a black ink pen because the situation the Baudelaires soon found themselves in aptly fit the second usage of the phrase I am trying not to redefine.

For as they reached the middle of the tunnel, Sunny came to a stop and immediately realized that the water was beginning to rise. "Violet, Klaus!" she called out. But it was already too late.

And once again I must reiterate the necessity to black out the following details of this unexpected turn in their journey as they dealt with the second definition of the phrase I already mentioned several times. But if you feel capable of reading the remainder, I have wisely chosen to cover over the details so as not to frighten you out of your wits.

Even if you feel you are a brave and noble volunteer it would be best not to consider them for it might make your courage nonexistent. The Baudelaires all turned and saw that the water was rising and


	11. Ten

_**Ten**_

It is here that I feel I must apologize, and even though I have perhaps done this on countless other occasions and I have also tried to make it a policy not to repeat myself, I feel it is absolutely necessary for me to do at this point in the story.

There are times, even as a narrator who has gone to great lengths to discover the many elements of a story that it is absolutely impossible for me to write these details down on paper.

Not because I fear I have a lack of understanding of the subject or to worry that I might go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about a matter, or describe it in too much detail, but because the details themselves are so terrible that I find it hard to even cope with them myself and so therefore I feel it is not necessary for you to suffer as well.

You will notice in the previous chapter if you were brave enough to follow the Baudelaires thru their journey in the dank and depressing sewer that I chose to black out the details of how they came face to face with a particular phrase I do not enjoy reiterating but for the sake of clarity shall.

The phrase in question was "the light at the end of the tunnel" and the usage was to refer to the fact that the Baudelaires were in a life or death situation. That situation, I must insist that I do not describe the details of this nightmarish experience and I must apologize because as an author I promised I would write down every detail of this account as best as I could, but yet I feel that I cannot possibly explain everything that happened to Violet, Klaus and Sunny while they were in the passageway.

I cannot begin to tell you how frightened the children were as the water around them began to rise and make them even wetter. Nor can I explain how much they tried to find an exit, but then suddenly realized they were nowhere close to one.

The sheer terror that gripped the children was so much that it would take countless pages to describe it so instead I shall simply list all of the adjectives appropriate to this situation that the Baudelaires found themselves in, and then you will be able to understand fully how horrendous, nightmarish, terrible, frightening, despairing, devastating, wicked, awful, dirty, wet, sopping, gunky, smelly, fishy, oily, fearful, depressing, dank, dark, retched, reckless, sorrowful, tearful, loud, fast, quick, impending, impossible,

powerful, strong, resonating, dangerous, erroneous, deadly, cold, icy, pitiful, miserable, painful, different, slimy, damaging, harmful, hazardous, stony, crazy, stupendous, nasty, wonderful, squeamish, thrashing,

scary, ritzy, flashy, stormy, funny, sad, bad, offensive, daring, lazy, rich, strange, abolishing, ambushing, wavy, blue, repetitive, mean, angry, derisive, lashing, windy, enclosed, wrong, jumpy,

fascinating, colorful, good, enlightening, cleansing, dirty, unsafe, constructive, unclean, unhappy, unbearable, unimportant, undone, washing, burning, falling, high, tall, low, squealing, screaming, noisy, quiet, eventful, forthcoming and heavy this scenario was.

And as descriptive as those adjectives are, they still would not do this situation justice so instead I must apologize because I cannot even begin to explain how this situation played out and how close to death the Baudelaires came as they cried out for help, unable to find their way out of the labyrinth mazelike tunnels and desperately searched for some kind of escape. And as the water rose, their chances for survival decreased and the children clung to one another.

Violet kept Beatrice as high as possible so the infant wouldn't accidentally inhale any water, and then her younger siblings clung to her so that they could evade the waters grasp which were continuing to rise.

It is here that I must further apologize, because as dire as this situation may seem, I must remind you that many more will befall the children in the days to come and as the orphans thought that the water would surround them and take their life, but at the very last second another usage of the light at the end of the tunnel came to be known and a voice called out to them from above.

The Baudelaires had no idea what to do, and were so frightened that they climbed in haste up the rope that was dropped down the hole in their behalf. Beatrice kept a tight grip on Violet's shoulders as they climbed, using every ounce of energy they had left to reach the top and escape the rising flood.

As they fell onto the floor and gasped for breath, the middle Baudelaire turned to see that it was Count Olaf's evil twin that had rescued them from the abyss and Klaus sighed in relief, because he had half expected it to be Mister Dominic and then the situation would've been much worse. If you feel the same way as Klaus, perhaps you are correct and perhaps things would've been much worse had Mister Dominic saved the children instead of their new guardian.

But the situation did not improve much for after Falo saved them, he immediately began to berate the children, a word which hear means "make Violet, Klaus and Sunny feel like they were very dumb for doing what it was that they did".

"Baudelaires!" he chided them, "What were you doing down there?"

Before the children got a chance to explain, the evil twin of Count Olaf proclaimed, "You could've clogged up the sewers!" The orphans, still getting their breath back, looked at each other and chose not to respond. Falo stood there and continued, "You know very well that there are places here in the Very Fine Dwelling that you shouldn't go to, even if our rules don't apply to them specifically. But I can assure you from now on if we get new recruits I will inform them that these sewers are off limits.

It was a very foolish thing for you to do. I would've expected better from the children of our leaders. But I suppose some things are not passed from generation to generation. From now on I expect you to be cautious around the sewers, Baudelaires. Who knows what could have happened had I not been close by? You could've easily been drowned or worse."

The man continued to chastise them for a few minutes more, which actually worked out quite well and gave the children time to get up on their feet and recover from their experience.

Finally, the evil twin of Count Olaf exhausted himself and then muttered, "Why were you down there?"

The siblings all knew that they couldn't exactly explain to their new guardian why they had been down in the sewers, nor what they found so instead they did something they hadn't done in some time.

The Baudelaires decided not to tell the truth. I write this with great emphasis, because it goes without saying that we cannot tell everyone every detail of our lives for this would be quite dull and our listeners might fall asleep from time to time or attempt to poison themselves so as to escape the boring conversation.

For if we did decide to tell every person we met every single detail we would likely not have that person as a friend for very long because most people do not enjoy having to be told something when they have had a different view up until that moment.

So oftentimes it is the case of necessity that we must choose to leave out certain things whenever someone asks us something, perhaps because we do not want to bore them to death or to wander in their thinking or to consider a line of work in bull fighting as a pleasant alternative.

Therefore, there are plenty of good reasons for the children to have chosen not to give Falo every detail of their experience in the passageway as well as to not tell him about the mysterious photo they found in their old home.

However, whether or not the Baudelaires made the right decision in choosing not to inform the evil twin of Count Olaf these simple facts cannot be certain. Much like every choice we make there are two differing outcomes and we have no idea where the other outcome would've led us because we already chosen one and it is obviously impossible to go back and to change our minds.

So there is no way of knowing where that other choice might've taken us and thus we have no way of knowing at this point whether or not telling Falo every detail about their trip to the former Baudelaire mansion would've been advantageous to the children or not. Instead, as I have already made a note of, the eldest Baudelaire looked at their new guardian and explained, "We were going for a leisurely stroll thru the hallway, and we fell into this open sewer hole."

Immediately Klaus added, "A noble volunteer working in the area must've accidentally closed up the grate, thinking there was no one down below."

Sunny nodded in agreement and commented, "We're so glad you found us and rescued us."

Their new guardian looked at them in surprise and then remarked, "How terrible, safety is one of the primary things here at V.F.D. Baudelaires, I am glad you brought this to my attention, it would appear much needs to be resolved about this matter. How dreadful that this happened, I had always told myself that these grates were completely safe but I suppose I was wrong. I guess nothing is safe around here anymore."

Although Falo chose not to add another phrase that the Baudelaire's all knew very well.

The phrase is known as "No thanks to you" and it had been used by their former guardian Count Olaf on occasions to remind the orphans how he really felt about them. I cannot say for sure whether or not the villain's evil twin felt similarly but he still disciplined the children almost as severely and perhaps in this case deserved the title of Count Olaf's evil twin.

"Well, you certainly do smell after having fallen down such an awful pit. I suggest you take a shower," Falo commented and then added, "In fact you should probably do so now before this afternoon, where we will be voting on the matter as to whether or not you are able to become members of V.F.D."

"Already?" Violet asked in surprise as she tried to ignore the smell of the wet clothes she was wearing.

"Did you want to delay it?" their new guardian wondered in confusion.

"No, but isn't it too soon?" Klaus wondered, as he too tried to hold his breath in order to refrain from being sick due to the horrid stench in the air coming from their garments.

"Is there any need for it to be later?" Falo countered to which Sunny replied, "I think what my brother is wondering… is how do we know whether or not we qualify to be members of V.F.D."

The evil twin of Count Olaf gazed at each of the Baudelaires for a moment before remarking, "What do you think it takes to be noble?"

Now, the question that Falo asked was not a simple one that could be answered with one word, or possibly even with a hundred words but quite likely a thousand word would prove sufficient, but then again how would you have known you had spoken exactly a thousand words unless you or a nearby friend who happened to be excellent at math was keeping count?

And since it is unlikely that you will use that many words in order to begin with, I feel it is safe to say that it would not take that many in order to explain what it takes to be noble.

During their adventures, the Baudelaires had met many people who claimed to have this attribute and some who actually did possess it. But they were few and far between and others also seemed to have an inkling which is a word here for "brief spite of nobility but then turned out to not help the Baudelaires after all."

As they considered Falo's question, perhaps they considered some of their noble guardians, such as Aunt Josephine and Uncle Monty or Dewey Denouement. Or they may have considered some of their close friends they respected and trusted, the Quagmires, or Hector, or Frank unless of course it turned out to be Ernest.

They may have thought about their parents, and how nobly they had shielded the children from the wickedness in the world, although it is difficult to say whether or not this was the proper thing to do considering the fact that now the Baudelaire's parents were dead and they were on their own and they had no way of knowing for sure what it took for a person to be considered noble.

So when Falo asked them what it took, perhaps Violet, Klaus and Sunny thought about all of the bravery that it had taken them to climb the slippery slopes of Mt. Fraught, or they may have considered the courage it took to hide as doctors at the Heimlich Hospital or the astounding feats they took to save Isadora and Duncan and the Village of Fowl Devotees

. But instead of answering with any of these noble acts, which in themselves would've probably been enough to be considered a noble person for a great deal of time, the Baudelaires must've reflected on some of the mistakes they'd made, such as trusting Esmé Squalor to help them rescue their friends, or thinking that they could save Jacque Snicket from a dangerous mob and then being unable to do so, or more recently helping Count Olaf burn down the Hotel Denouement and then being unable to assist Kit in giving birth to their now adopted sister Beatrice. Because as the seconds ticked by, the Baudelaires all felt very unsure of how to answer their newest guardian's question about what it took to be noble and so Violet replied sadly, "I'm not sure, I know the definition of the word. But I don't know what it takes to be considered such."

Falo didn't seem too pleased with this response but nodded silently before remarking, "Well you should find a way to clean up before the vote is cast, Baudelaires. I'll see you then."

And then without a care in the world, the evil twin of Count Olaf walked away from the children and they were once again alone. Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice all slowly trudged away from the opening to the passageway and back toward the supply closet. During their ordeal in the tunnel, the children had lost nearly all of the things they had brought with them and Klaus said, "I don't know where we go from here, we have nothing to help us take a shower and I really smell."

"There's some soap, and some shower curtains here," Sunny remarked as she looked inside the closet once more.

"And also some sponges we can use," Violet added.

"How will we dry our clothes?" Klaus asked.

"How will we get rid of this terrible odor?" Violet muttered.

"Do we even qualify to be part of this noble organization?" Sunny asked, bringing up the topic that Falo had just informed them about. "Sreati," Beatrice said softly which probably meant "I just wish we had a decent meal to eat and the volunteers would go off strike" or perhaps "So far I've not seen anything about V.F.D. that makes them noble."

Her siblings nodded in agreement and then Violet examined what little supplies they had left and began tying her hair up with a bow. And even though the bow and the rest of her clothes were sopping wet, her younger brother and sisters immediately understood that the eldest Baudelaire might have a solution to their predicament.

"Let's get these drapes back to the bus, I think I have an idea," Violet commented and then hauled one of them.

Sunny took the sponges and the soap and Klaus took the other shower drape and together the orphans walked outside to the parking lot where the abandoned school buses were sitting. The one the Baudelaires had turned into their makeshift home was leaning slightly and Violet used what little strength she had left to open the driver's door and climb inside.

She tried to open up the opposite door, but found doing so too difficult so instead she leaned down and allowed Sunny to pass the supplies to her and then finally Beatrice was given to the eldest Baudelaire. Klaus and Sunny then climbed into the dilapidated vehicle and Violet pointed toward the back of the bus.

"Bring those curtains here, Klaus," she told her younger brother. The middle Baudelaire followed the instruction of his sister without question, although it was clear he had no idea what Violet was up to.

Working as fast as she could, Violet stood on the seats in the very back of the bus and hung the drapes on the rungs that were sticking from the ceiling, possibly used for volunteers to hang coats and hats on.

Once she got the two drapes up, she instructed her siblings to help her pull them across the seats and once the three had accomplished this task, Violet smiled proudly at her work.

"It's a makeshift shower," Klaus proclaimed, clearly impressed with his sister's quick thinking.

"But how can you be sure it will rain?" Sunny asked in confusion as she tried very hard to feel ill as the stench from the grime in the sewer became more intense. "We'll just have to wait until it does," Violet proclaimed, and so the children sat there in the hot and rusting vehicle, hoping that the random storms which frequently disturbed them at night would chance upon them now.

They sat for a few hours and as they did, their clothes became wrinkled and misshapen and the smell they had picked up from their journey in the sewers grew stronger. But during this time, they took time to think and to ask one another about the meaning of the mysterious photograph they had found in the Baudelaire mansion and what significance it might have. Pulling it out of her knapsack, Violet was pleased to see that it hadn't been damaged too severely.

It was wrinkled now due to the water, but the four people standing in the picture could still be made out clearly.

Their parents, standing on the left, looked happy and content and possibly newly married and their enemies, Count Olaf and Mister Dominic; also looked pleased and gleeful perhaps happy of a new partnership between them.

"What do you suppose these words mean on the back of the photo?" Violet asked as she turned it over and frowned. The writing had become smeared, and even more impossible to read then before and her siblings looked at this in shock and became even more discouraged then before, if such a thing were actually possible.

"Now we'll never know what this means," Klaus lamented.

"I still say we should show this to Mister Dominic," Sunny argued. "He might lie to us, or attempt to do us harm again," Violet pointed out.

"But he may also help us," her younger brother countered.

"We have to do this on our own, that is how we have always solved things in the past. We've not needed anyone's assistance before," his older sister remarked.

"But we can't stay on our own forever," Klaus commented.

"Why not? Everyone we've come in contact with hasn't helped us," Violet said in frustration. "That's not true," Sunny said and then added, "What about the Quagmires? And Hector? And Justice Strauss? And the Incredibly Deadly Viper?"

"But they are all gone now," Violet said sadly, "We're on our own from now on."

This saddened each of the Baudelaires in different ways, as they thought about all that they had lost and how that their return to the mainland had not yet helped them to find out what had happened to their friends.

And I'm sorry to say that during this story they would still be unaware of a great many things, so if you are searching for an answer to such riddles I suggest you stop before that hope is hopelessly crushed.

"We could go to the archives here at the Very Fine Dwelling," Sunny suggested. "That'd be a wise idea, but we aren't allowed in there," Klaus pointed out. "But we still should try to find out more about this writing, it looks like it could be Spanish or maybe Latin," the youngest Baudelaire stated.

"Assani!" Beatrice complained, which probably meant something like "I still say we should focus on getting food," or perhaps "Why do I feel a trickle of water on my forehead?"

and as the siblings looked up they realized that it was lightly raining outside.

"Now is our chance," Violet said as she slipped the picture back into her knapsack and explained, "We should each take a shower, and clean up before the vote this afternoon."

"It doesn't matter anyways, Mister Dominic will see to it that we aren't made to be members of V.F.D.," Klaus commented.

"Maybe and perhaps he might have some other motive in mind, for all we know he might have been responsible for what happened this morning in the tunnels. Falo never told us that the water rises in the sewers, and it seemed like an odd thing for it to happen while we were exploring them," Violet stated.

"Nothing is certain anymore," the middle Baudelaire reiterated and then sighed as if to accept defeat and muttered, "All right, but we should give each other privacy, one of us can take a shower and the rest will stand at the front of the bus, all right?"

His sisters nodded in agreement and Violet stated, "I shall go first.

" It is here, that I will conclude the chapter, giving the Baudelaires exactly what they desired in this brief moment of solitude and that is a moment of privacy. Perhaps you feel that such would be necessary were you in the same situation as they were, and I know for a fact that I certainly would request it were it myself so I will close the chapter here and move on to the next dreadful event in the Baudelaire's lives.


	12. Eleven

_**Eleven**_

If you have ever been late for something, than you know that whenever you are you feel that there are a thousand obstacles in the way of you and your goal and despite your best efforts not to be bamboozled any further you find yourself sidetracked by these things and thus are even more late for your appointment then you were previously.

I can easily relate to this scenario on any number of levels, seeing as I have been late quite often for very important events and missed out on something that proved to be vital later on and so by missing that, I was not informed and then wound up in the middle of the desert when actually I was supposed to go the post office.

But since I arrived late it was impossible for me to be aware of this change and so any chance I had to get to the post office quickly vanished.

But then again, a few months later after successfully living among the desert dwellers and figuring out how to return to civilization I discovered that by missing out on these instructions I also avoided an unfortunate incident at the post office.

But the reason I am telling you about all of the obstacles I faced is because now I am about tell all of the obstacles that the Baudelaire children were about to face.

Because after having been able to experience a brief moment of privacy, I'm afraid I can no longer hide the details of the children's unfortunate episode at the Very Fine Dwelling.

If you so choose to continue to read this account on the off chance that maybe I would choose to hide more details of the children's experience because I felt you couldn't handle them, then let me assure you that I have been advised by my editor that there should be no further editing on my part, seeing as I am the author and he is the editor.

Therefore, seeing as I do not intend to change my profession although I have done so on quite a number of other occasions in order to protect my identity, I will not be needing to now seeing as many consider that I am deceased.

However it may or may not have occurred to you already that since I am currently writing a chronicle of unfortunate events that surrounded the Baudelaire children it would be rather impossible to do that whenever I am dead, but seeing as that isn't the case yet so therefore I can continue writing.

As the children left the bus once again a few hours later, after having successfully showered and cleaning their clothes. They knew exactly where to go, considering the instructions that Falo had given them earlier to go to the meeting room and to be there for when the votes were cast as to whether or not they would become members of V.F.D.

And despite all of the feelings that the orphans had about Mister Dominic, and they felt certain that the wicked man would try to do them harm, they also knew that the only chance they had to get to the bottom of their problems would be to go to the meeting and to discover whether or not they were qualified to be noble volunteers.

Of course, the children still weren't quite sure whether or not they did indeed deserve such a title, despite the fact that had it been me, I would've given it to them ages ago on countless occasions whenever they showed their bravery.

But no awards or titles awaited them any time soon, for I am sad to say that the first obstacle they had to face was an angry mob that filled the hallways. This is not the first angry mob the Baudelaires had ever confronted, of course, and you would probably already know this had you read any of their previous terrible trials.

But this was perhaps the most dangerous angry mob they had encountered since they had returned from the island.

Perhaps the reason the children felt unafraid is because they reflected on the angry mob they met at the Village of Fowl Devotees and felt certain that if they had managed to save themselves from the wicked inhabitants of that town, then surely they would be able to deal with the angry mob here at the Very Fine Dwelling. Or perhaps they reflected on their experience at the Hotel Denouement whenever an angry mob had formed and decided to put them on trial for the murder of their very brief guardian, Dewey Denouement.

After all, they had managed to escape that situation, even if it had required them to join with their sinister arch-enemy in a nefarious scheme, a phrase which here means "helped Count Olaf burn down the Hotel Denouement and thus make them question whether they were really noble or not" and so therefore maybe the orphans felt confident that they could face the scenario now in front of them at the Very Fine Dwelling.

But as you may or not presumed, considering you have read this far into the story, I'm sure you will come to realize that the Baudelaires' efforts to make it to the meeting room in time for the vote to be cast concerning whether or not they would become volunteers for V.F.D. will meet with utter failure.

In fact they'll be so late that the vote will be already cast and there will be nothing they can do about it. So as Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice approached the large group of volunteers in the narrow hallway, I can assure you that nothing good will come from Klaus asking one man, "What is this mob all about?"

And I can tell you that it will do no amount of good for Violet to inquire of one woman, "Excuse me, but why are all of you shouting down the hallway?"

And it definitely was not a good idea for Sunny to wonder aloud, "Could this noise get any louder?

" Now, let me advise you that if you should ever come across an angry mob, perhaps one that was busy trying to find a certain author who was hiding in a crate nearby and trying to let that certain author know that his writings were horrendous, then the most unwise thing you could do would be to confront this mob and reveal that you were this certain author and then be forcibly run out of town.

On the other hand, despite the itchiness that the tomatoes would be causing to your nose as you sat in the crate it would be more advisable to stay there then to be run out of town, especially if you had to do so while holding several large manuscripts.

So instead it might've been wiser for you to stay in the crate and deal with the itchy tomatoes, even if it was just as irritating at the time due to your allergic reaction to tomatoes.

In the case of Baudelaires, it was very unwise to confront this mob for a great many reasons, but they can simply put in a few short words. They had nowhere else to go.

So by dealing with the volunteers and all of the problems that they had, the children failed to realize that this would be like knocking down a hornet's nest inside an enclosed cell.

The volunteers turned their attention in the direction of the orphans and all of them grew silent, no doubt surprised that the Baudelaires had so bravely tried to disturb their frenzy a word here which means "caused the supposedly noble volunteers of V.F.D. to be quiet and confused for a moment" and one older man asked, "Can't you tell we are in the middle of this mob against Falo and V.F.D.?"

"What has Falo done?" Klaus asked.

"Its bratty orphans he brought in, they're disturbing the peace," another commented.

"Dominic was right, they would be nothing but trouble," another added.

"I certainly think that even though they are the children of our leaders, they don't belong here," a third remarked.

"Say, you sort of look like them," a fourth stated.

It was this comment that caused the mob to suddenly turn its attention toward the Baudelaires and the children also realized how much danger they were now in.

For despite the fact that the members of V.F.D. all claimed to be noble volunteers, it was quite clear that each of them was holding a grudge against the orphans for no apparent reason and it didn't take much of a guess on the part of Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice to presume it was probably in part due to the wicked Mister Dominic and the impossible tasks he had assigned them to do.

"It is those orphans we heard about," the first exclaimed.

"I can't believe Falo said they'd help us get our strength back," another said in disbelief.

"How will they help us?" the third wondered.

"I say we should drive them out of here," the fourth shouted.

The mob continued to advance toward the children and Beatrice clung to Violet's shoulder as her older siblings backed away toward the parking lot, unsure of what to do.

"We need to get to the meeting room," Klaus muttered.

"I'm pretty sure none of the volunteers will be voting for us anyway," Sunny remarked.

"Maybe we should escape," Violet suggested. But once again let me remind you, even though I've been trying to make it my policy not to have to do so, that the children had nowhere to go.

So as they felt their enemies getting closer, even though in this case their enemies were supposed to be their allies. So as the volunteers approached them, the children had little time to react.

In this sort of instance, perhaps the wisest course would've been to follow Sunny's advice and to escape from the scene altogether, even though they didn't have anywhere to go. Instead of doing the wisest thing though, the Baudelaires decided to confront the crowd of angry volunteers and Violet proclaimed, "Wait, Falo said there would be a vote as to whether or not we would become volunteers. If you would simply allow us to be taken to the meeting room, this could be resolved."

"That's right," Klaus agreed and added, "And we don't want to be late cause if we are, we won't know what the vote is."

Sunny nodded alongside her siblings and remarked, "So if you could take us to the meeting room, then we could all get what we wanted."

The angry mob of V.F.D. members did something that I'm sure is quite shocking to you, that is to say, they actually listened to the children but for completely different reasons then you would expect.

"Take them to Falo, let him deal with them," the first commented.

"Hopefully they won't become volunteers," the second stated.

"If I could cast a vote, I would see to it they weren't," another remarked.

"Hurry, we don't want to be late to hear the vote," a fourth cried.

Suddenly, the Baudelaires found themselves being pushed down the hallway by the supposedly noble members of V.F.D. toward the important vote.

And as they neared the fateful vote that would decide whether or not they were to be considered noble volunteers, Violet probably wondered what would happen if the mob got their way and V.F.D. chose to abandon them. Would they again have to fend for themselves in the cold dark world beyond the Very Fine Dwelling?

And Klaus probably considered what would happen if they became members of the mysterious society they now found themselves within. Would the Baudelaires receive more mundane tasks from the wicked Mister Dominic? Or would they be able to take part in more noble activities?

And Sunny must've been considering the photo that was still in Violet's possession and what it meant considering the other things Mister Dominic had insinuated, a word which here means "told the children that their parents weren't as noble as they appeared to be in the Baudelaires' minds."

Or perhaps she thought about the fact that Beatrice was still hungry and needed a proper meal. I cannot say for sure, what any of the Baudelaires were thinking, but I can say for a certainty that one thing they probably wondered about was whether or not a simple vote would really qualify them as noble volunteers.

I'm sure even you as a reader of these horrible events must realize that no matter how the vote will be cast, that a simple vote on such as a matter does not in fact make a person noble.

For example, I once knew a fellow who continued to insist that he could fly, even though it is impossible for people do so, unless of course they were to use some sort of transportation to do so. I told him countless times that even though he said he could fly that by him saying it that didn't make it true but he also insisted the contrary until at last I grew tired of his words and pushed him off the hill only to find that as I had already assumed, he couldn't fly after all and then to evade the authorities for the subsequent crime that occurred because of his untimely death which I still regret to this very day.

So even though it was possible that the Baudelaires would be inducted into the society of V.F.D. it is another thing entirely to be considered a noble individual and I'm sad to say that at this point and time, the children were not aware of what it was, and besides all that, they were late anyways.

For because they had to spend time washing and cleaning their clothes and looking presentable, and because they had to deal with the many volunteers who were currently pushing them, when they walked into the meeting room, Falo was proclaiming, "That's that then, the votes have all been cast."

"Are we too late?" one volunteer growled irritably.

"I wanted to put in my vote," the second commented as she shoved Violet closer to the oval table.

"Great, now we'll be stuck with these brats," the third remarked.

"Please, fellow volunteers relax, there is no point in complaining about something that has already occurred," the evil twin of Count Olaf stated and then added, "I'm glad you made it Baudelaires and you look reasonably better than last time I cast my eyes upon you."

Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice nodded silently and the eldest orphan asked, "Could you please tell us what the vote was?"

"Yes, we're eager to know whether or not we qualify to be noble volunteers of V.F.D.," Sunny remarked.

"And whether or not we can begin bold new missions for you," Klaus added, although he was the one who shared this particular idea.

Professor Edwick and Mister Dominic stood on either side of the table, their eyes carefully examining the Baudelaires and then turning to Falo and the elderly professor asked, "Yes, what is the vote, Falo? I'm eager to hear of the future for the young orphans."

Mister Dominic seemed to have that usual evil gleam in his eyes as if he were thinking of something sinister yet also appeared to be amused, and this unsettled the children, since it made them think of Count Olaf and his wicked ways.

Falo nodded, apparently having accepted the inevitable and opened the envelope in his hand. "Children, it is my apology to tell you that the vote was a tie. I'm afraid we'll have to reschedule it at a different time," their new guardian remarked.

At hearing Falo's words, the group of volunteers surrounding the Baudelaires grew even more frustrated and one member remarked, "We always end it on a tie."

"Someone should make another vote and have the final say," another stated.

"I don't want to have to deal with these bratty orphans any more," a third argued.

"Can't we just make Falo's vote void?" a fourth muttered.

"Please, everyone just calm down," the evil twin of Count Olaf stated as he looked at his allies who were on the verge of becoming his enemies.

The group refused to do so and the Baudelaires felt themselves being pushed again and Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice thought for a moment they were being shoved onto the table when at last Falo said, "I believe what we have here is a mutual disagreement. Since it is clear that this situation can't be resolved fairly, I suggest we turn to one individual to do this for us and if he makes the final say, and the Baudelaires are allowed to be noble members of our organization then so be it, and if the latter should also be the case, then likewise we should no longer debate amongst ourselves about the matter."

The members of V.F.D. calmed down at hearing this and one said, "I suppose that makes sense."

"But you can't make the final call, that's favoritism Falo," another stated.

"Let Mister Dominic choose, he will be fair," a third remarked.

"Yes. Mister Dominic has been here longer than any of us," a fourth insisted.

The room grew quiet as the wicked man the Baudelaires were already afraid of stood and adjusted

his tie and brushed off some dust from his fine suit and then he gazed at Falo and asked, "Is that quite all right with you, my old companion?" Now, the next two things that will happen will prove to be by far the most shocking of all that have befallen the children since their arrival at the Very Fine Dwelling and as you may already be aware, this story is drawing toward a close and perhaps you reasoned, that other events prior to this were quite shocking in themselves, such as the Baudelaires discovering Count Olaf had an evil twin who turned out to be good or perhaps learning that there was still wickedness in the world after all and there was no way they could escape from it seeing as the world is a very large place and no matter where you live, it is quite likely you will come in contact with a wicked individual from time to time even if it is in a barber shop that you both use.

So since you have already read about these things and perhaps other matters that you found equally unbelievable then you must've assumed that all of the most shocking events occurred in the middle of the story or perhaps on page 69. And now it is quite possibly shocking that I am here to tell you the most unexpected events in this chapter of the Baudelaires series of events were about to occur.

And since I am now telling you this, allow me to use a method known as a dramatic pause to prepare you for what Falo and Mister Dominic did that further surprised the children. A dramatic pause is a method used by some actors or authors or mailmen whenever they are asked a question and then they tend to stand there and not respond until...they are good and ready to do so.

The effect of the dramatic pause as I just showed you is to add a layer of tension to whatever situation was occurring and make you wonder what was about to happen especially since it was taking so long to get to that point.

In fact, both Falo and Mister Dominic used a dramatic pause at this point and that was another reason I felt it was necessary to do so, to prepare you for their shocking response. For first, the evil twin of Count Olaf answered, "Yes, you can make the deciding vote Mister Dominic."

And to this day I do not know why, but perhaps it is because Falo wasn't as bright or as clever as his good twin Count Olaf. But we will never know for sure. And then the dastardly Mister Dominic turned toward the children; his eyes gleaming and Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice knew what would happen next.

Or so they thought, as I'm sure you the reader presumed what Mr. Dominic would say, yet to your surprise and to theirs and to mine as well, their new arch-enemy smiled politely and answered, "They may stay as long as they wish."


	13. Twelve

_**Twelve**_

It is my sad duty to report to you that you are nearing the end of the beginning of the first part of another series of unfortunate events and it I'm sure as you must've realized by now there is yet another definition of a popular phrase I used a few chapters prior, that being "the light at the end of the tunnel."

For the Baudelaires, their hopes had been dashed to pieces as soon as they left the island they had known to be their home for the past twelve months and they returned to the world in general to brave the mysteries that still were unanswered.

Yet here, they stood before the council of V.F.D. the mysterious organization that had caused them more than enough trouble in the past, and in front of them stood three individuals they knew little or nothing about and sadly, none of these were willing to share even an inkling of an answer to the Baudelaires, except perhaps the one on the right because he was the most wicked of all, but even such an answer would not be the conclusion to the Baudelaires story, but merely a new beginning.

For as we close on the book on this moment in the children's very unfortunate lives I'm sorry to say that few of the things they hoped to have an answer to will be resolved.

The children will _**NOT **_find out any clues as regards their many companions whom they missed terribly since the awful fire at the Hotel Denouement, which they were partly responsible for.

And the orphans will _**NOT**_ learn of how the schism occurred here at the Very Fine Dwelling ages ago and how the members of V.F.D. became both villains and volunteers.

And the Baudelaires will _**NOT**_ discover what was written on the back of the photo they found at their old home in a half destroyed album.

And most importantly, perhaps, Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice would _**NOT**_ get any closer to being free of the wicked ways of the world just as it would be impossible to escape a vicious swarm of honey bees by hiding behind a tree.

So now that you are aware of the fact that nothing good will befall the children during this chapter or the concluding one, I heartily encourage you once more to drop this story back into the garage and quickly dump other refuse on top of it so that no one will make the same mistake you obviously did and pick it up and read about the many bitter trials the Baudelaires have endured in their efforts to find out more about their parents and V.F.D. and the schism, and their friends and whether or not nobility or wickedness would triumph in the end.

If you should choose to continue to read this awful tale, I assure you that the only thing you will find at the end of it is more bitter tears and an unfortunate fire that would cause the orphans to once more have to flee.

The mob that had formed to push the children outside was now dispersed due to the decision that Mister Dominic had shockingly made and Falo was smiling in delight that the children were now members of V.F.D. even if Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice had no idea what that particularly involved.

As the members of the Very Fine Dwelling returned to their usual assignments, the evil twin of Count Olaf declared, "This is simply marvelous. We must celebrate! Professor Edwick! Prepare the Baudelaires a scrumptious feast in honor of their being inducted as members of our organization."

The older gentlemen nodded and then left the room without a word, leaving the orphans alone with the two people at the schoolhouse they were most uncertain of. "You look surprised, orphans," Mister Dominic said with a smile and then added, "Perhaps you were expecting a different result."

"We weren't sure what to expect," Violet admitted.

"But that certainly wasn't going to be our guess," Klaus stated.

"So now that we are members of V.F.D. what does that mean?" Sunny wondered.

"Why you have access to the archives, and to the kitchen and to the gardens of course," Falo explained as if it were obvious. At hearing this, the Baudelaires exchanged hopeful glances at one another, perhaps feeling now that they were finally getting somewhere in their quest for answers.

Or perhaps they were eager for the food to arrive as they smelled it and watched Professor Edwick and several other members bring it into the oval room.

Since it had been several days and they hadn't ate anything since Mister Dominic attempted to make them sick due to their highly allergic reaction to peppermints which hopefully you didn't read about, the Baudelaires were starving and cared little about what the food was. It is here, that I am happy to say that the children did get one thing and that was a good and healthy meal.

Beatrice got small bits of corn and some apple sauce, along with some milk, while Sunny drank orange juice and had slices of ham and turkey and Klaus had grape juice and ate corn on the cob and some chicken with barbeque sauce whereas Violet drank lemonade and had some sandwiches with olives in them and peaches as a side dish.

There was plenty of food this time for everyone to eat, and no one attempted to poison or taint the food that the children were eating and for the moment, all did seem right with the world. Let me remind you again however, that as this story draws to a close further horrible and unfortunate events will befall the Baudelaires they will be fighting for their lives again.

For as the volunteers finished their feast, and the food was rolled away, Falo yawned widely and remarked, "I suppose this is the end of a good day, children. I trust you'll be eager to start new assignments as noble volunteers in the morning."

The evil twin of Count Olaf drank one last sip of his tea and then departed thru the other exit and the Baudelaires were alone once again with the enigmatic Mister Dominic a word which here means "Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice weren't sure whether or not the tall well dressed man was a villain or a volunteer" and their instructor turned to them and stated, "I cannot say how thrilled I am also to see you are progressing quite well, orphans. Did you find what you were looking for in the passageways?"

"We found enough and almost died in the process," Violet declared.

"If Falo wasn't close by we might've drowned," Klaus remarked.

"I bet you had something to do with the sewers clogging," Sunny stated.

"My we are quick to accuse aren't we? I believe I just did you all a favor. You are now members of V.F.D. so you can freely discover the truth behind their ways and find out for yourself why they are hiding so much from you," their villainous instructor remarked and then added, "I'm sure there is a treasure trove of information in the archives waiting to be unearthed."

"How can we be certain that you aren't trying to trick us again?" Violet asked.

"Why would I do anything of the sort? You have nothing of importance to me," Mister Dominic pointed out and then added, "Falo is quite correct about one matter, the hour has grown late and I do believe it is time for sleep. I trust you know your own way back to the parking lot?"

"I thought we were just made members of V.F.D.," Sunny said in confusion and then added, "Why are we still being forced to sleep in those rundown buses?"

"I didn't say you were being forced to do anything, children. You are free to roam the schoolhouse now, and do what you please," the wicked man stated and then left the orphans to once again consider his mysterious words.

"I think we should head to the archives right away and find out what is going on here," Klaus stated.

"Maybe there are records on the schism," Sunny commented.

"Or we'll found out what happened to Hector, and the Quagmires, and Jerome," Violet suggested.

"Mister Dominic stated there was a bountiful amount of information stored there, we should go right away," the middle Baudelaire suggested as he picked up Beatrice and the four siblings left the room together.

The journey to the library was quick and once they arrived, the children were quite surprised to find it was unguarded. Instead as they opened the door to the dimly lit interior, they found that the archives were severely lacking in an abundance of things.

First off, and most importantly I might add, there was no organization to the piles of clutter that filled the archives of V.F.D. and even though I am quite certain that the four children knew a great deal about such matters, it would have taken all of their lifetimes to search thru the mess.

Not to mention that most of the articles were not even printed in books, instead piles of paper, half finished notes, ripped magazines and other documents that either looked completely destroyed or nearing such a state.

So the task in front of the children was definitely not a pleasant one, even if they did have all of their lifetimes combined there would probably still be little chance for them to find anything useful.

As I write this, I consider all of the things that might've been in this archive and how close the Baudelaires came to uncovering something truly remarkable, seeing as this library is long gone.

But as I write this, I am also aware of what they did find as you soon will be for despite the sheer impossibility of the task in front of them Violet, Klaus and Sunny each began to search thru the piles.

"How do we know what we're searching for?" Klaus asked.

"I suppose we'll know whenever we see it," Sunny remarked.

"There could be thousands of articles in here," Violet lamented.

"Mister Dominic knew that this wouldn't help us any, that's why he didn't care whether or not we became volunteers," the middle Baudelaire growled.

"Let's not despair yet, there could prove to be valuable information somewhere here and all we have to do is work together to find it," the eldest orphan suggested.

"I suppose that makes sense, Violet," her younger sister agreed and Beatrice said "Rawakan" which I'm sure was her way of agreeing with the suggestion that her adopted older sister had just made.

So each of the children took to a particular pile of articles and began sorting them, Klaus decided to go to the southeast corner of the library and started there, looking thru magazines on cooking, and painting, fencing and diving, hunting and falling, building and whales, and occasionally a few on kittens, although those were of little interest to the middle Baudelaire even if they were quite pleasant to read.

I'm sure if I had the time I would've stopped there with those particular documents, but the children didn't have the time, because as I have aforementioned, their time was running out.

So, Klaus merely skimmed thru the mess and hoped to find anything of interest regarding the schism or perhaps V.F.D. itself. Sunny and Beatrice on the other hand went to the western part of the archives and started digging thru piles of books and old volumes on water and dancing, quilts and voles, windmills and ravens, forests and trees, spiders and scales, drawings and waves, sun and moon, and all sorts of other topics of every variety that would take ages to list, and since none of these things had to with something that the Baudelaires were searching for, the two youngest orphans simply tossed aside what they didn't need and continued to dig.

Violet went to the other corner and started filing articles on dogs and airplanes, history and igloos, thunder and lightning, swords and dolphins, mushrooms and chemists, puzzles and indexes and on occasion looked thru them for any reference to any book or volume or article that might be of some interest to their cause a phrase which here means "Violet hoped to find a secret of some sort within these volumes that would help her and her siblings uncover what V.F.D. was up to, and more importantly, what Mister Dominic was plotting."

After about an hour and a half of useless searching, the Baudelaires sat in the middle of the archives and brought what little they had found that they each had thought might help.

"I found this map of the Very Fine Dwelling which was created years ago, it shows what this schoolhouse was like whenever it was first built," Klaus said and then pointed to the underside of the map and added, "I found these water stain marks on the back and I'm assuming there is a secret map of some sort here."

"Even if there is such a map, I doubt we could use it since that design was made ages ago," Violet said but then added, "I suppose its better than what I found. I only managed to scrounge up some old indexes which had references to the formation of V.F.D. unfortunately its just an index, so it wouldn't be as useful as the real article."

"But it was good thinking for you to look thru those indexes, it gave us an idea of what else might be hidden in this mess," Sunny commented and then added, "Those were both better than what we found. Just old newspaper articles by someone named L.S. who worked at the _Daily Punctilio._"

"Edesti," Beatrice stated, which probably meant "They're not all by someone L.S. one or two are by someone named D" or perhaps, "I thought these articles were pointless and told you they weren't important."

Violet and Klaus exchanged a glance and then the middle Baudelaire asked, "Can we see it Sunny?"

"Did I actually find something?" the youngest orphan asked as she passed the newspaper articles to her older siblings and they examined them.

"Possibly, after all Mister Dominic's first initial is D," Klaus explained. "But how can we be sure that he is the person who wrote these articles?" Violet wondered.

"This one's title is rather odd," her brother remarked and showed it to his other siblings who also agreed at the peculiar nature of the article.

" '_Why Starting Fires Is Better Than Stopping Them_ by D,'" Violet said reading aloud the title of the article and noting that most of the rest of the newspaper had been mired by time.

"What do you suppose this means?" Klaus wondered.

"Well, if the title is any indication… it could mean something quite shocking," his older sister commented.

"What would that be Violet? Please tell us what you're thinking," Sunny implored the eldest Baudelaire.

"Well, the title " '_Why Starting Fires Is Better Than Stopping Them'_ seems to tell us that Mister Dominic was writing about the advantages of being wicked rather than noble, but it would also tell us… that perhaps at one time he thought the opposite," Violet replied.

At this point, I must use a phrase that is so perfectly fitting that it requires very little definition because the phrase is actually quite literal in this sense for the next thirty seconds.

The phrase is "couldn't hear a pin drop" and that is to say that the library became so silent at what Violet had just proclaimed that if someone had chosen to drop a pencil or pin onto the floor then it is quite likely that no one would hear it due to the fact that the orphans had become silent to contemplate this unexpected revelation.

In fact, the only thing that broke the silence was the arrival of another person to the archives, and so at this point a pin was dropped and the children turned to hear the soft footsteps approaching and felt their hearts drop as they saw Mister Dominic standing in the doorway of the library.

Their wicked instructor stared at them ominously as he entered the archives and then muttered, "Baudelaires, I see you decided to come here after all, did you find what you were looking for?"

"Not really," Klaus said as he rolled up the map.

"Let me see that," the well groomed man suggested as he snatched the map from the middle orphan's hand and then smiled before remarking, "I remember when your father created this map, he was so proud of the secret map of the passageways he'd made on the back that he made the foolish mistake of showing another volunteer who actually turned out to be a villain and well, that was that…"

Then he turned to Violet and asked, "And what did you chance upon?"

"Nothing of importance," the eldest Baudelaire answered, but already Mister Dominic was glancing thru the indexes and muttering, "I remember whenever my good friend Jacques wrote this index in an attempt to chronicle everything V.F.D. had done yet instead allowed the villains to uncover secrets we'd been successfully hiding until then… and that was that."

Mister Dominic then turned his attention to the youngest orphans and snatched the articles from the _Daily Punctilio_ away from Beatrice and Sunny and then frowned and the children all waited to see what the reaction would be of their wicked adversary.

Once again no one could hear a pin drop as Mister Dominic folded the article up and then remarked, "So I see you have found a snippet of information that has proved useful to you…"

The orphans all looked at one another unsure of what to say and then Violet asked, "Did you write this article?"

"I did," Mister Dominic answered.

"Were you telling of the advantages of being wicked rather than noble?" Klaus asked.

"I was," Mister Dominic stated as he watched the children's expressions and then Sunny asked, "Were you once a noble person yourself?"

At this, the wicked instructor smiled and said, "I see at last you have come to realize what I wanted to teach you all along. And now that you have, you must follow me."

Immediately, Mister Dominic turned and left the archives and uncertainly, the Baudelaires followed. He walked straight thru the halls to the parking lot beyond and once they arrived there, he closed the door and remarked, "Noble people can become wicked, children; just as wicked people can also become noble. You assumed when you met me that I was a wicked individual, yet now you know this was not always the case… and yet you still assume that your parents were always noble people… and never did anything wicked."

"I suppose there is a lot that we are uncertain of," Klaus admitted.

"You are too trusting as well," their wicked instructor remarked as he turned to them with the usual evil smile they had become used to seeing and he added, "For example, you unwisely chose to follow me out here alone to the parking lot… instead of doing the proper thing and warning Falo and V.F.D. that there is a villain in their midst."

He took a step closer to the children and added, "And now children, I believe I will employ the very axiom you discovered."

What happened next was so unexpected and sudden that Violet, Klaus and Sunny and Beatrice had no time whatsoever to react as Mister Dominic grabbed all four of the children in his arms and then rushed toward the dilapidated bus they had been staying in and quickly tossed the children inside.

As Violet and her siblings hit the hard floor, they turned to try to confront the wicked instructor, only to find he had shut the driver's door and then Mister Dominic broke the handle off.

"What're you doing?" Klaus cried out in surprise.

"I think its high time you children were out of the picture, after all how else are my plans supposed to work if you continue to interfere?" Mister Dominic countered and then reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a box of matches.

"Now I can show you firsthand why it is better to start fires then to stop them," he remarked as he lit several matches and then tossed them onto the tires of the bus. Immediately the front tires became scorched and Mister Dominic ran his fingers thru his shiny combed hair and remarked, "So sorry, orphans, but it looks like all your hopes have just gone up in smoke."


	14. Thirteen

_**Thirteen**_

The expression "gone up in smoke" can be both literal and figurative, depending on how it is used, and who uses it and at what time.

For example, currently the Baudelaires found themselves trapped inside a rundown bus due to the evil Mister Dominic tricking them yet again and they were now dealing with the fact that the wicked instructor had started a fire on the front of the bus and very soon the entire vehicle would be up in smoke quite literally.

But also it is referencing what their new adversary told them before he rushed back into the Very Fine Dwelling, and that is to say that he told the children that all of their hopes had gone up in smoke.

The reason the wicked man had told them this couldn't be more obvious considering the orphan's current circumstances and as they realized that they were trapped on the bus, they also knew that this meant they could be engulfed in the raging fire.

But the most powerful expression of the phrase "gone up in smoke" I can think of is the fact that now at the concluding chapter of this ostentatious opening all your hopes as a reader of finding a cheerful ending, one in which the Baudelaires outsmarted Mister Dominic and saved the volunteers of V.F.D. and discovered the many secrets stored within the Very fine Dwelling and were able to live peacefully for the rest of their days, have gone up in smoke.

And because there is no happy ending at the end of this story, or even a marginally satisfying one, the hope you have of finding answers has also gone up in smoke.

As the author of these unfortunate events, now would be an appropriate time to use another phrase most people don't enjoy hearing, "I told you so" usually because whenever someone tells them this its because they are gloating about some fact that they previously mentioned to their audience, and the audience failed to listen and the exact result occurred just as the warning had said it would and so sometimes the person who told them likes to mention this fact in order to remind the other to listen next time should such a thing occur again.

In the case of the Baudelaires, I suppose I could say I told you so on countless occasions starting with the very beginning of this rather ostentatious opening, which by the way is a word which here means "things appeared to be for the best whenever Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice left the island and chose to join V.F.D. but were now stuck inside a burning bus with little hope of escape."

And now that you have nearly read all thirteen chapters of their unfortunate second time around it is too late to turn around and reconsider because this is definitely not your second time around encountering the misery that the Baudelaires experienced.

So there are quite a few instances in which the phrase "I told you so" would come in handy if I were in the mood to point out that the children's lives once again weren't getting any better and it was quite likely that there would be no improvement anytime soon, but I am not the type of person to brag especially since most of the time I feel that I wish I had listened to a very close colleague ages ago whenever I began to pursue a fair maiden only to find she had fallen in love with another after presuming I had departed this life and hence I'm sure if he were still alive would tell me "I told you so."

But since this story is not a chance for me to brag on telling you what you should've known all along, but rather a detailed account of the miserable lives of the Baudelaires, I shall instead tell you of their bravery in the face of this daunting obstacle.

"Mister Dominic has trapped us inside this bus," Klaus cried out in alarm as he attempted to open the sliding door of the vehicle, only to find that it wasn't working either.

"That fire will reach us in a matter of minutes," Sunny proclaimed as she scooped up Beatrice and held her protectively in her arms. Quickly, Violet tied up her long hair with a ribbon and said, "Hurry, everyone try to open the windows."

Without hesitating at all, her younger siblings tried every window in the dilapidated rusting transport, only to find that most of them were well beyond repair.

"If we had something heavy to toss thru the windows, we could break them," Klaus suggested.

"I don't think so, Klaus. I noticed whenever Mister Dominic first brought us out here that the only thing intact on any of these buses was the windows. They must be made of some sort of flexible glass," his elder sister remarked.

From the front of the bus, the fire had now entered and was scorching the driver's seat and Sunny exclaimed, "We don't have time to argue, there has to be a way out of here!"

"The seat cushions! We can use them as a blockade!" Violet proclaimed and then quickly ran toward the front of the bus only to find that the inferno had already beat her there.

Returning to the back of the bus, the oldest orphan glanced up at the holes on the roof and said, "If we had something to climb on, we could get out that way."

"There's nothing in here for us to use," Klaus lamented.

"We're trapped," Sunny said.

"We're doomed," her brother added.

"This isn't the end yet," Violet tried to reassure her siblings, although she too had no clue how they would escape this situation.

It was Beatrice who found the answer, as Sunny placed her down and the toddler crawled close to the middle of the bus and proclaimed, "Thankaq!"

Her siblings rushed to catch her to protect her from the fire, and in the process, found out what their adopted sister was trying to tell her and that is why in this case it was not necessary to translate what Beatrice said as she pointed toward the emergency exit in the floor of the bus.

"Of course," Klaus exclaimed and then added, "That's why the exit is here, just in case both sides of the bus caught on fire, the volunteers could escape thru this hatch!"

"We can worry about what it meant later, let's just get out of here," Sunny said as she struggled to open the small door.

The fire continued to rage and the bus rocked unsteadily and the children knew that if they couldn't get the door open fast enough, it would be too late. Klaus used quick thinking and told everyone to stand back and then twisted the handle of the emergency exit up and then to the left, and it popped open, much to the relief of his siblings.

"Hurry!" Sunny declared as she grabbed Beatrice and jumped to the ground a few feet below. Violet and Klaus followed her as the transport continued to rock and quickly the four children crawled out from under the blazing bus and panted in exhaustion.

Just as they made it to safe ground, they turned and saw the bus fall off of the cement blocks that it was standing on and then the entire vehicle they had just been sitting in was engulfed in the bright red flames of destruction and the Baudelaires scurried away from the scene.

"That fire will spread if we don't stop it," Violet remarked and then added, "We need to find Falo and warn him about Mister Dominic."

"And warn the other volunteers as well," Klaus added.

"We have to stop Mister Dominic before he gets a chance to escape," Sunny proclaimed.

As the bus behind them went up in smoke and the orphans approached the back door of the Very Fine Dwelling, their chances of doing any of these activities quickly went up in smoke as well as they opened the door and went into the rundown schoolhouse, only to find that Mister Dominic had managed to employ his axiom all throughout the building.

An axiom, if you didn't already know, is a phrase that requires no added definition as I am in the habit of doing from time to time. In this case however, the phrase was one that required little explanation and that is because the children knew exactly what their new arch-enemy was doing.

He was starting fires, instead of stopping them and disposing of this once safe place and all of the volunteers within it. "Hurry, we have to find Falo!" Violet declared.

"How will we get thru the fire?" Klaus asked.

"We'll have to run thru it as fast as we can. The flames haven't spread much yet, but they're getting higher," the eldest Baudelaire answered and then took Beatrice from her sister's arms and declared, "Follow me!"

The children began to sprint thru the damaged hallways of the Very Fine Dwelling at such a pace that someone like myself probably keep up with them, in order to avoid the blaze that surrounded them on all sides.

"There is no way Mister Dominic could've done this all on his own," Klaus commented and then added, "Maybe he isn't the only villain hiding among the volunteers?"

"We haven't time to wonder about such things Klaus, we need to find Falo's office," Sunny said as a large piece of timber fell behind them, blocking their chances of going back the way they had come and once again their chances of searching thru other portions of the schoolhouse for Falo had gone up in smoke.

They came to Mister Dominic's office and opened it, only to find that it was completely empty of all the clutter that customarily filled it and Sunny said, "He was planning to set fire to this place for some time, so he spent the last several days removing all of his important documents."

"It doesn't matter anymore, let's hurry to the front of the schoolhouse, maybe Falo and the other volunteers are there," Violet stated and then her and her siblings rushed toward the western hall and the blaze around them intensified. I cannot begin to tell you how frightened the Baudelaires must've been as they passed by classrooms where the fire had already scorched desks and chairs, and I cannot even describe the terror that gripped them as part of the roof of the Very Fine Dwelling toppled due to the inferno.

As they approached the entrance of the building, the four orphans suddenly spotted a large vehicle departing and realized that it was a bus, full of volunteers.

"They've escaped!" Klaus said with a smile.

"They must think we didn't survive the blaze," Violet presumed and then darted out the front door down the bumpy road.

Sunny and Klaus followed behind her as she waved her arms and signaled for the bus to stop, but it was already too late.

The bus, and all of the volunteers had made it thru the large gate that sealed off the schoolyard from the outside world and the children were now all alone. Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice turned and watched as the rest of the schoolhouse began to crumble due to the intensity of the inferno and they each began to cry in sorrow.

Even as I write this, I also feel it is necessary to break down in tears at this moment of the Baudelaire's unfortunate story because once again they were all alone in the wicked world, and it seemed that everyone and everything they'd hoped to find had chosen to abandon them.

Klaus reached into his pocket and pulled out the name badges that had each of the orphans' names on them, the very things that had caused them to search for V.F.D. in the first place and tossed them down to the ground in a fit of anger.

Sunny and Beatrice both acted like infants in this instance and Violet even untied her hair to show that she too felt the defeat that they were experiencing.

"We weren't able to figure out what happened to V.F.D. or the schism," she lamented.

"Or know how our parents were connected to Mister Dominic," Klaus added.

"Or even discover what Mister Dominic was after," Sunny muttered.

"We failed miserably as noble volunteers," Violet admitted shamefully.

"Instead we were tricked by Mister Dominic countless times, and he proved he was smarter than we are," Klaus added regretfully.

"And now we are all alone in this wicked world again," Sunny remarked dismally.

As they sat there in the schoolyard and watched the Very Fine Dwelling go up in smoke, the children also realized that everything they'd been searching for had gone up in smoke with it and the only thing they had know was a single photograph, which had four figures prominently in it, their parents, Mister Dominic and Count Olaf.

Yet even this one clue amid the shroud of misery that was befalling them, wasn't enough to make the children feel any better and they felt certain that now they would have to go back to Mister Poe and soon be stuck with another guardian.

"I wish you were of age, Violet, then you could be our legal guardian and we could all stick together and never be forced to move from place to place," Klaus stated.

"Falo didn't help us much, he wasn't much of a guardian," Sunny pointed out, feeling sorry for the evil twin of Count Olaf wherever he might be. As if that was a signal for something else to happen, a low rumbling noise came from behind them and the children turned to see a car entering the large gates and driving toward them.

As the vehicle drew closer, the children noted that the rumbling sound was that of the engine and the driver was none other than their new guardian, Falo. The evil twin of Count Olaf stepped out and gasped in shock as he gazed first at the burning building behind the Baudelaires and then toward the children themselves.

"I say! What has occurred here?" Falo asked in alarm.

"Mister Dominic set the schoolhouse ablaze and managed to escape before we could warn you about his villainy," Violet explained.

"We were tricked countless times by him, and unable to discover what his dastardly plot might be," Klaus admitted.

"We've failed as noble volunteers of V.F.D.," Sunny added.

Falo narrowed his eyes and then noted that beside Klaus were the name badges that they had found some time ago and the evil twin bent down and picked them up before commenting, "It would seem that you are mistaken, Baudelaires. I think there are many reasons for you to be considered volunteers."

The orphans looked at him in surprise and Violet asked, "There are?"

"What are they?" Klaus asked.

"First, although this is the least important reason of all; these name badges were meant for you. Whoever made them knew one day you would need to join our organization and set things straight. But that is not the only reason that you qualify," Falo stated.

He leaned against the hood of his car and explained, "You managed to discover that Mister Dominic was not a noble volunteer… but in fact a wicked villain. And most of all, you escaped the blaze of the Very Fine Dwelling and were able to report back to me about all of these things."

The Baudelaires looked at each other, unsure whether any of those things qualified them or not and then Violet asked, "But now we have to start back at the beginning."

"Nonsense," Falo declared as he pointed toward the gate and said, "There are other places we volunteers can use to prepare to do away with our enemies, and I know a thing or two about some of them."

"But we don't know where Mister Dominic went, or what he is up to," Klaus argued.

"Ridiculous!" Falo exclaimed as he got in the vehicle and started it up again before remarking, "Just because the schoolhouse has gone up in smoke, does not mean our chances of success have as well. We know now that Mister Dominic is a wicked man, and all wicked people desire the same thing, to spread their wickedness."

The Baudelaires got inside the car and watched as the last flames died down and the Very Fine Dwelling looked even less fine than it did before. "I suppose you children must think that things are going from bad to worse," Falo said and then turned to look at them and added, "But the most important thing is you are here now and can continue to try your best to stop wickedness from spreading throughout the world."

The children buckled in and waited as Falo turned the car around and contemplated what their new guardian had just told them.

It was true that during their time at the schoolhouse they had failed to discover much about their parents past, and had failed to discern Mister Dominic was a wicked individual before it was too late and had failed to qualify in their opinion as noble volunteers, but now, they were here together ready to face whatever came next with some knowledge that perhaps would prove useful in the future.

At least, that is what they wanted to tell themselves as they drove away from the Very Fine Dwelling toward whatever was next and I'm sure you are also attempting to tell yourself that things would improve for the children.

The chance of that, however has gone up in smoke, just as fast as the schoolhouse the Baudelaires had resided in did.

Now, at the conclusion of this very ostentatious opening, which here means "the first part of the children's unfortunate lives that I have chosen to record is coming to a dismal close" it would be best to realize that the second time around for the orphans proved no better than their first, and in some cases it was quite worse.

They had uncovered the fact that their parents might not be as noble as they thought, and perhaps that Mister Dominic wasn't always as wicked as they presumed and the questions they now faced were even murkier than the ones prior to the time they had left the island and so, the children had little if anything to take solace in.

Instead, they chose to focus on the fact that they were together, alive, and for the moment, dry. And even if that is something somewhat minor, it was all they had to think about in the wicked world they had now immersed themselves in again.

And if you are finding yourself so terribly depressed by everything that has befallen the Baudelaires, and now feel that your own life has gotten worse as a result of reading these unfortunate events, I can only say… I told you so.


	15. To My Kind Editor

_To my Kind Editor,_

Please excuse my poor handwriting on the back of these tickets I managed to procure from the ruins of the Ned H. Rirger Theater where the Baudelaires spent their days in an effort to uncover more clues about their sorrowful past.

Use these tickets on the following Thursday after the one we discussed and go here to find the ticket booth empty and make your way inside and follow the map I mailed to you to seat 3A where you find a copy of _**The**_ _**Tantalizing Theater**_.

Along with it are detailed drawings to the best of my ability of the fancy chandelier and the formerly illustrious stage where the play "_One Last Warning To Those Who Try to Stand In My Way" _premiered for the final time. Remember, you are my last hope,

With all Due Respect,

Lemony

Snicket


End file.
